Post Collapse II

[Continued from previous post...]

The scene outside was, unfortunately, similar to what he had envisioned; the truck was in the process of turning around, Tim in the driver's seat. Seven others were dispersed around the area in a haphazard semicircle, facing away from the cave's entrance, weapons drawn and firing. Except for the truck's high-beams and superheated gas exploding from the muzzles of weapons, the night was pitch-black. Michael ran to the Chevy pickup as Tim whipped the tail around, throwing his pack into the truck bed as he passed it. He raised his gun and ran toward his shouting, shooting comrades.

"On the left!"
"Two more coming from two o'clock! Riley, pop 'em!"
"Mike, help me out here!" yelled a woman on the right.

Michael turned and was able to barely make out the figure of Alissa, AR-15 pressed tightly to her right shoulder, looking down the steep rocky slope ahead of her. He rushed to her side and looked down the grade, straining his eyes for targets. Shadowy humanoid figures were climbing awkwardly, yet swiftly up the rocks. Something in the way they moved was... wrong. Michael had already known what he would find outside the cave, but seeing those things still somehow made it worse. He aimed his pistol and opened fire as Alissa reloaded her rifle. He had practiced moving target acquisition at length, even before the "Day of Reckoning", but shooting at moving targets during the day was significantly different from shooting down a dark slope with the imminent threat of death gnawing at the back of his skull. It made it almost impossible to focus.

The slide locked on his Beretta. Seventeen shots already. Three targets incapacitated. Dozens more still coming from the looks of it. He released the magazine with his right thumb, pulling a full one from his belt. He thumbed the slide release, and flipped his laser sight on at the same time. As he brought the pistol back up, though, a humanoid shadow launched itself up onto level ground, howling and snarling. Michael took a step back and fired at its head; he missed. 'Stupid!' he thought, 'Never aim for the head first, always the center of mass.' Alissa jumped back and opened fire. The thing advanced a few more steps before collapsing in a gurgling heap, not three feet from Michael. He saw motion from his right and heard quick, uneven footfalls. Three more assailants were running wildly toward them from the road, arms flailing, foaming at the mouth, screaming and roaring incoherently; apparently the traps they had set weren't enough to deter the bastards from taking the obvious route into the camp.

About the same time he spotted the new threat, Michael heard the roar of the truck engine. The big Chevy hit the three runners doing at least 25 miles per hour, sending them flying off the side of the steep hill. He barely heard Tim's voice over the engine and the gunfire:

"We're all set, let's get the hell out of here!"

Michael motioned to Alissa and immediately bolted for their second vehicle: an unmarked white van. Before the disasters that had befallen their civilization, it might have been used by a small school, or perhaps an airport. Now it was used to high-tail it out of trouble, and hopefully live another day. He reached the van, found the keys in the ignition, and started it up as Alissa opened the side doors. Michael laid on the horn for a full 10 seconds, followed by short, percussive honks. The others began backing away from the edge of the clearing toward the van. As they loaded up, he saw shadowy figures climbing up onto the level ground and running toward them. The door slammed shut, and he floored it, steering toward the road that Tim and the truck were already tearing down.

Post Collapse

Michael knew he had been dreaming, but for the life of him, he couldn't recall anything about the dream. He sat up suddenly, already searching for whatever potential threat had awakened him. Light was pouring onto the cramped, oblong patch of rock on which he had placed his sleeping bag and his pack. Blindingly bright twin beams of light were emanating from the mouth of the cave. He heard the whining blare of a car horn coming from the same direction as the light, masking the quieter rumbling of a Duramax diesel engine. They had started the truck; something was wrong. Michael shot a quick glance around the small cave two more sleeping areas were still laid out along the other wall; two sleeping bags, two pillows, a book, a small lantern. No weapons. He felt adrenaline surge into his system. He didn't hear gunfire, and reasoned that they couldn't be under attack yet. Someone certainly seemed to have reason to believe they would be shortly, though.

Michael hurriedly felt around for his own weapon, a Beretta 92 pistol chambered for 9mm rounds. He found it near his pack, and grabbed them both, berating himself for forgetting one of his cardinal rules: never leave anything essential unloaded from the truck unless you're using it. The pack might not be very heavy, but had the situation required him to leave the cave in any more of a hurry, he would have lost most of his wordly belongings. It could also weigh him down if he had to run a long distance, and he knew very well that being too slow or fatigued could mean his death. The horn stopped suddenly, leaving an echo in Michael's ears. The truck's high beams still glared ominously at him. He heard voices speaking loudly and sounding harried. The loud crack of gunfire split the night, drowning out the voices. Michael slung the pack over his left shoulder and made sure the right strap was tucked between his side and his elbow; secure, but free enough to be tossed aside at will. He flicked the Beretta's safety off, took a deep breath, and jogged out into the unknown.

To be continued...

Among the living

OPPD's new Energy Management System arrives early next week. Holy crap. We're gonna be so busy! I smell a few 10-12 hour shifts heading my way.

Oh, by the way, I'm still alive. I tend to just randomly stop updating this blog every so often, but I always come back to it eventually; usually it's because I'm doing something else unrelated on my computer, get bored, and then remember that this page exists. That's definitely what happened this time.

And so, off we go... I've been working on narrowing my interests down since last post. I tend to keep my computer-related endeavors at work. For example, I'm writing a Wordpress plugin for OPPD right now, and the last thing I really want to do when I get home is do more web programming. That's a double-edged sword, though, because I have a computer sitting behind me that's in pieces and needs to be fixed for a friend. I need a digital multimeter to figure out what exactly is wrong with it, though, so I haven't been in a huge rush to fix it thus far.

I guess not much has changed in my life the past month or two, and I'm thrilled about that! I went to Ames for the Iowa/Iowa State game and tailgated with some people. That was a great time. I've also been to a Husker game (I went and watched them play Washington with my dad last weekend), so I can feel like a true fan for another season. Outside of that, same-old same-old. Leigh Ann and I are going to River Riot at Westfair this Friday. I think it's going to be a great show, and we're both really looking forward to it.

I've begun to refine some opinions on some very sensitive and complex issues, such as theism vs. atheism and the state of the United States' democracy. If I'm feeling particularly strongly about anything in the coming weeks, I may share a few of them. I've also got an idea for a new story that I want to write. I think it has the potential to be pretty good, but I'm going to break away from my usual habit of just starting to write with no preparation, and actually lay everything out in my mind before beginning it.

I guess that's all I've got for now, I'll be sure and update sooner this time.

Hobbies

I have too many, and I don't devote enough time to any of them. I thought I'd make a list of things that I'm interested in and do at least once every two weeks.

-Guitar
-Writing
-Automating tasks on computers
-Web programming
-Magic the Gathering
-Video Games
-Hookah
-Running
-Lifting
-Casual social/political debate
-Taking apart electronics and messing with them
-Reading
-Collecting music, trading cards, and other random things (like hobbies, for instance...)
-Cooking (new)
-Marksmanship (new)

Whew. I think I need to pick a few and REALLY focus on them. If I did that then I would probably be better at them and feel more fulfilled. Then again, maybe my favorite hobby is collecting hobbies.

Story teaser

A man in a black bomber jacket and jeans leaned against the outer wall of the old midtown bank, looking as though he belonged there; it was as if he had leaned against that exact cement every day of his life, with not a care in the world besides the weather. In reality, it was Jason Arbent's first time in Pittsburgh, and therefore his first time using the "Majestic Midtown Bank" as a backrest. On this day, though, he could not look like a tourist. To look out of place, lost, or too interested in his surroundings would be suicide. He shifted his weight slightly to take a little of the pressure from his jeans off his left pocket. He pulled out a cigarette from that pocket, and put it in his mouth. Part of him cringed a little every time he placed one of the harmless-looking white cylinders to his lips; he was not a smoker normally, but nicotine did an excellent job of calming his nerves and steadying his hand.

Jason shifted his weight again, reaching into his right pocket this time, and retrieving... nothing. The casual observer would have thought he had just grabbed a lighter, but he didn't even own one. As far as he could remember, he had never had any use for them. For the sake of appearances, though, he raised his closed right fist, and cupped his left hand around the end of the cigarette. He even pretended to flick a nonexistent flint on his invisible lighter. 'I deserve an Oscar,' he thought to himself, as he focused his mind on the end of the cigarette. He felt a gentle pull throughout his body; so subtle that he never would have felt it if he hadn't been waiting for it. He could feel every molecule in the air between his hands and the cigarette. He could feel the tip of the cigarette growing hotter as the tugging sensation continued. The moment it ignited, he released his focus and took a deep drag. The slightly unsettling sensation of smoke filling his lungs was quickly replaced by the calm produced by the chemical cocktail in the cigarette.

He stood and smoked, staring around at the people walking down the street, doing their shopping, taking their lunch breaks. A few of them were old enough to be retired; probably just walking around and enjoying the spring weather. Jason envied those strangers the most. Despite his manufactured appearance, he could only imagine what it was like to have nowhere to be and an entire day to get there. His thoughts were cut short, however, when a man in a gray, well-cut suit bustled by. Maybe Armani, he thought. Whatever it was, it made Jason's outfit look like a bad joke. It was a shame, he thought, that his target had such a nice suit on. There probably wouldn't be much left of it by the time he was finished. Jason pulled a small hand-held device out of his pocket and pressed a quick sequence of numbers into the virtual keypad on the touch screen. He took one last quick pull from the cigarette, and then dropped it to the pavement. The lit end hit first, showering sparks into the air. They followed Jason's boot for a moment as he stepped into the sidewalk and hurried after the man in the gray suit.


[To be continued(?) ...]

What I feel right this second

Happy. The week was stressful, but I got through it alive, just as I always have. When I saw Leigh Ann tonight, all that stress, frustration and exhaustion melted away. I don't really think I need to post any more for now. I have been trying to come up with an idea for a new short story, though. If I do, then it will show up here first. G'night!

Random expression of angst

For some reason, when I woke up this morning I was immediately annoyed. I must have had a dream about someone or something I don't like. I have no idea, since I very seldom remember my dreams. All I know is that I'm still pissed, and since I'm not sure what's causing it, my normal anger management methods are useless.

By the way, unrelated, you're probably going to start seeing a lot more short stories out of me in the near future. I may be collaborating on a project with a friend, for which creative writing skills will be very useful. I need practice.

Bye for now.

Busy and stuff... and junk

Quick update today, because I just got home from work, and now I have to quickly go for a run, clean up and hit the bars downtown for a friend's birthday.

Leigh Ann and I decided to try dating. We're not doing the "Facebook official" thing because it's dumb. So, for all of you who care...

<3 Ryan is in a relationship with Leigh Ann

Consider that your notification. I will probably make another post later in the weekend when I'm not so busy. Until then...

"Wait, wait, I think Liam Neeson is beating a guy up... aw, nevermind, he's just talking to him. [20 seconds pass] Oh crap! Look! He just beat the guy up when we weren't looking! That bastard!"

Untitled Prose

The metal rungs of the fire escape made a dull clanking sound as the man's worn work boots collided with them in a slow, deliberate rhythm. The sound echoed in the small space between two brick walls. There wasn't much wind between the apartment buildings, but Caleb knew that when he reached the roof there would be a friendly spring breeze to ruffle his already-messy hair. He didn't stand out in any way physically; if one was to think of a working class man in his mid-twenties, Caleb imagined they would picture him exactly as he was then. Unshaven, medium build, dark hair, blue eyes, wearing a graphic T-shirt and a pair of faded, frayed jeans. Well-worn work boots to completed the ensemble. The only outwardly extraordinary thing about Caleb, as far as he was concerned, was the guitar case slung across his back; the only reason anyone would give him a second look.

Within that guitar case was his only salvation; his only escape from the mundane reality that he had somehow found himself ensnared in. Warehouse inventory, sleep and the occasional beer with the guys were all just background noise next to music. He had never been formally taught, but if anyone had ever heard him play, they would have said he was gifted. Caleb didn't care one way or the other, though. How good or bad someone was at playing mattered none to him compared to whether or not the music came from the heart.

As he reached the top of the fire escape and stepped onto the gravel on the roof, Caleb felt that familiar breeze he had known would arrive, and smiled as he took his usual place on a crate near the edge of the roof facing the street. He opened the worn black guitar case, the latches making a dull thudding sound as they came undone for what must have been the millionth time. He removed his black Alvarez acoustic guitar from its velvet bed carefully, savoring the feel of it on his leg as he tuned it by ear. The guitar was pristine, the same as it had been when his father had given it to him at the age of 12, but tonight it felt different somehow. As he brought the high E string up half a step to match the low, Caleb began listening for more than just the hum of the string he was tuning.

Silence was all that met his ears as he strained them. It was wrong, somehow. The guitar felt so heavy in his hands. His heart was heavier still. Suddenly a vivid image flashed through his mind, one of a pretty blonde girl with bright green eyes shaking her head sadly at him before closing the door he had knocked on just minutes before. It was all wrong; he never thought about Sarah while he was on his roof. This was supposed to be his escape from all the pain and hardship of life. How had it caught up to him? He sat still in the silence for another minute, trying to understand how he had never noticed how lonely it was up on that roof. How had he ever been so joyful and carefree while sitting alone and playing notes he didn't even know the names of?

There was only one thing he could think to do; Caleb began playing a song he had heard years ago on the radio. It was one of his favorites, guaranteed to bring a smile to his face. It was a song about summertime. But once again, he was struck by how empty the world seemed. His voice sounded flat, his playing seemed sloppy though it was no different than normal. Caleb's throat closed; probably a good thing, or he might have screamed in anguish. Somehow, the magic had abandoned him for a night.

His boots creaked as they took on his weight. The guitar case thudded closed. The gravel scraped with his footsteps as he made his way across the roof to the fire escape and descended. Maybe the next time would be different, he thought.

A door leading to the roof from the interior stairwell of the apartment building creaked open shortly after Caleb's head disappeared from view. A girl of twenty three stepped hesitantly onto the gravel surface. She had long, dark hair and deep, wide brown eyes. She was stunning, though no one in her life had ever managed to convince her of that fact after an abusive relationship in her teenage years. Her lips were parted slightly as she took a quiet breath of the evening air and searched for the man to whom the familiar voice belonged. She had listened to that voice every week for months. She had heard his music one night through her window on the top floor facing the street, and ever since then she had spent her Sunday evenings sitting next to that open window, her arms around her knees, eyes closed, and a smile on her face as she listened to him singing his heart.

It had taken Rachel all those weeks simply to work up the courage to come and listen to him in person. She wasn't sure if it was possible to love someone you have never seen before, but whatever she felt for the singing man was not something she could ignore. That night she had decided that she was tired of being alone in her apartment, and tired of not knowing the face of the one making that beautiful music. She looked all over the roof for him; maybe he had moved to a different side. After a minute, though, she was forced to conclude that he had decided not to show up that week. She listened for another moment, and heard only silence. It was as if she was the only person on Earth that night. As Rachel walked back toward the door leading inside, she wondered if the singing man felt as lonely as she did on that roof. She hoped he didn't; whoever he was, he didn't deserve to feel alone.

As the roof door closed behind Rachel, an ordinary-looking man carrying a guitar case slowly rounded the corner, his eyes on the ground. Then, he was gone.

Lessons

I've learned a few things this week:

1) Having 3 monitors is awesome. Having a job that actually requires you to use all 3 is even more awesome.

2) Being a grown-up gets boring pretty fast. I'm going to have to find some extracurriculars next week before I become all 1-dimensional and friendless and whatnot.

3) Sometimes it's better not knowing. Don't search for someone you really like(d) / have a history with on Facebook unless you're prepared to be reminded:

a) How beautiful she is
b) How much you miss her
c) That she moved on

Yep... ow. But, such is life I suppose.

P.S. - I told you a post or two ago that I was going to start being blunter.

P.P.S. - Next post will probably be more upbeat.

I feel...

What I feel isn't new to me, but it's not familiar either. It's something I've felt a few times over the years, and I only get this particular feeling when I'm missing something important, or when something is very wrong.

This is not a feeling that I want to have the night before I start my career... And I can't really just chalk it up to nerves, because I don't get nervous about starting at OPPD. I've done it too many times for that.

Weird... I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

This blog

For a while, I listed this blog on Facebook as my website. Aside from that, the only people who knew about it were people I told, and the ones they told. I'm going to go ahead and assume that very few people looked it up on Facebook, and that most of the people who view it are those I told about it. Therefore, I'm not going to watch what I say quite as much in future posts.

The event that prompted this, was last night I tried to make a quick post using my phone that was fairly personal. As soon as I sent it, I wondered if it was a good move, considering that there are a lot of people who might have access to it. I don't want to have to worry about that. Interestingly enough, that post was completely unreadable due to some kind of decoding issue. I am not going to re-post all of what it said, but the gist was this:

"It's not always fear that keeps me from who and what I want in life; more often, the culprit is pride or practicality. Even so, if I wasn't concerned about waking you up, I would call you right now and tell you how I really feel."

Judgment

I need a quick brain-dump here. I have always had pretty good judgment. Sometimes I regret decisions I make, only to find out much later that they were absolutely the right ones. I really hope that the decision I've made tonight turns out to be one of those.

Sometimes I worry that putting too much faith in my judgment has caused me to pass up a lot of really good times, though. Sure, it saves me from grief, but I can't help but wonder if the costs outweigh the benefits occasionally. I wish for a day that I could just act on impulse and see what happens. I hardly ever act on impulse. The vast majority of my actions are premeditated, cross-examined, weighed and balanced before I ever take them. It would be interesting to see how different my life would be if that wasn't the case.

Prime example: earlier tonight I told someone completely truthfully that I would love to be a taxi driver. I would. I think it would be a good career for me. The rational side of my mind tells me that I would have trouble down the road (pun intended) because of the financial situation, but the idea of driving around, listening to music, talking to strangers all day for a living still interests me.

I also neglected to tell that same person something I really, REALLY want to, because I don't know the outcome. It's a complete wild card, and I refuse to play it simply because I can't create an exit strategy without knowing the possible endings. That bothers me.

And I'm spent! Be sure and read my Chicago post below if you haven't, it's a much more entertaining one than this.

Chicago

So! I'm back. I can't really describe all the fun I had in a single blog post, but I'm going to run through the hilights:

Wednesday: Karaoke night in Gurnee, IL. This was Kassie's first (of three) birthday celebration, and it was a riot. I drank a little more than I should have, but still managed to sing several songs, among which were "Kryptonite" and "Ring of Fire". It ended too soon, though, I had a couple more in mind to try out. Next time!

Thursday: Chicago, day 1. It was amazing, as Chicago always is. It's my favorite U.S. city, and this trip re-affirmed that for me. Thursday afternoon we went into the city and spent the day at the Field Museum, the Shedd Aquarium, the planetarium and walking all around Michigan Avenue. I'm pretty sure we walked 10 miles or so that day, not counting walking around the museums. It was a ton of fun.

Friday: We went into the city again, and this time we went to the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry. It was basically nerd paradise. There was an exhibit called Body Worlds, which consists of preserved human bodies displayed in a lot of really beautiful and informative poses and states. It was most definitely an educational exhibit, but there was a certain art to it as well. I will say that it's probably not an exhibit for the faint of heart, or those who get queasy easily, though. After the museum, we went back to Round Lake (Kassie's suburb) and had a cookout with her family. This was birthday party number two.

Saturday: We spent most of the day hanging out in Round Lake, and then headed into the city for bar hopping in Wrigleyville (three). For those who aren't familiar (because I certainly wasn't), Wrigleyville is the area immediately surrounding the iconic Wrigley Stadium. There are a ton of great bars in that area, and we had a really good time. At the end of the night, we went to Taco Bell, and I came into possession of a packet of hot sauce that said "Are you single?" on it. I was tasked with giving this packet to a person on the street, and I did it. I did my best to appear friendly and sane, but the lucky recipient still looked at me like she thought I was about to kill her. People in Chicago apparently aren't used to random drunken strangers walking up and handing them things. Come to think of it, that's probably how it is most places.

Sunday: Six Flags in Gurnee! I hadn't been to an amusement park in a long time, so I had way too much fun riding all the rollercoasters. Brett and Kassie aren't huge fans of roller coasters, so I had most of the fun while they held my wallet and phone. Poor them! But all in all, we each had a good day there. The only problem was that the Hurricane Harbor wasn't open yet. Too early in the season. It was a real shame, too, because it was a very hot day (85-90 degrees at some parts). There were a couple water rides open, though.

Sunday night I was supposed to come home, but due to weather I ended up getting stuck in Milwaukee. It gave me some great reading time, though. Today I came home via a flight that technically had no seats open on it. I was supposed to go through Dallas, but DFW airport tends to stop all flights as soon as a raindrop hits the tarmac, and my plane out of Milwaukee was delayed too much for me to make my connecting flight to Omaha. I ended up swapping my ticket out at the last minute for a late night direct flight, but I had them put me on standby for the evening flight. It turns out that was a very good idea. One person didn't show up, and so I ended up making it home around 7:30PM, which is much better than the 11:00PM arrival time I would have had.

The trip was amazing, and I'll post pictures on Facebook for those who are friends with me there. I may also edit this post and throw a few in here. It really depends on how lazy I get / how short my attention span is that day.

One more thing...

Well, I hate to end such a great weekend with a "serious" mood, but this was brought to mind by certain conversations and events of the past couple hours...

If I've seemed distant to any of you lately, it's probably because I'm slowly being forced to re-assess all of my friendships and relationships. Certain people are going to fall out of my life now that I've moved. There's not much I can do about it in some cases. I'm not trying to encourage that happening, though; I hate losing friends, and I hate it when people I'm close to drift away. My coping mechanisms have never been the best, and I think that my response to this has been to close myself off a little bit. I think that's a shame, and I'm going to work on it.

Bottom line: if you are or have been my friend, I appreciate you and wish you the best. Even if we haven't talked in a while.

A pretty awesome weekend

I had one. Mark Bauer came to visit Omaha on Friday, and we went to the hookah bar downtown. Saturday morning, Ino came into town, so we all hung out and took my new car out for its first real interstate trip to Fort Calhoun, where we grilled out and had a bonfire with s'mores.

Saturday night, Ino, Bauer and I got a couple rooms at the Embassy Suites downtown, eliminating the need for anyone to drive, and then Bauer and I hit the bars. We got completely wrecked, and had a great time. "Pond Scum" from Billy Frogg's is our friend. I think my new favorite bar is The Dubliner, though. Great live music, and lots of interesting people.

Today (Sunday) I saw Bauer off after lunch at Charleston's, which was amazing. Their cheeseburger makes a hell of a hangover cure. Tonight I went to see "Fast Five" with Jeff, Lynzei, Ino and Chris. I really enjoyed it, despite all the completely impossible stuff they did with those Dodge Chargers (anyone who saw the movie knows exactly what I'm talking about). In fact, I learned from the movie that Chargers have infinite horsepower, weigh about 10 tons (but still handle as if they weigh 500 lbs), and have indestructible tires made out of some kind of metal alloy soaked in the blood of Zeus. I need to get me one of those.

Oh, speaking of cars, I have a new one. I will probably still post pictures at some point, but I have not gotten them off my phone's memory card yet. It's a 2011 Chevy Malibu 1LT, and I absolutely love it so far.

So yeah, really great few days! Oh, and I am going to Chicago for 5 days on Tuesday... Life is definitely great!

Today and the near future

My dad just called me into the living room to show me this cool service called LifeLock. They sent him an e-mail notifying him that a car dealership was researching an interest rate by accessing his credit score and credit history. He was there when they were doing it, because he's co-signing a car loan with me. My response: "Well, guess that means you're going to have me arrested for trying to use your credit for my loan?" We both cracked up.

Backing up a little, though: today I sold my Monte Carlo to my good friend Leigh Ann. She'll treat it well, and it will undoubtedly give her lots of good times, as it has for me. After we agreed on a price, I told her she can have it on Thursday, and off I went to Huber Auto to shop for a new one. Really fun! I ended up deciding on a Chevy Malibu 1LT. The only thing it has that I didn't want is a sunroof. It has everything that I do want. I got a GREAT price on it, too (but I won't say exactly how much). So anyway, on Thursday after I drop my Monte off with Leigh Ann, I will be going over to Huber to pick up my new car. I'm pretty excited.

Other than that, today I found out that my awesome trip to NYC to sing with Jackson and Almeda at Carnegie has been canceled. One of the largest choirs that was going to participate has backed out, and the company was forced to cancel the performance. I am bummed about this, because that was probably the only time in my life I will ever have an opportunity to sing at Carnegie... I'm good, but let's face it, I'm not THAT good. My mom and I also had tickets to the Book of Mormon on Broadway, which we will now be selling... Gah! Oh well, at least I had the car shopping to offset this bit of bad news, and I'll still probably take voice lessons from Almeda this summer just for the hell of it.

Next week I am going to Kassie's birthday party in Chicago (probably my favorite U.S. city). I'll be staying there for five days and hanging out with Brett and Kassie and a bunch of her friends in the city. Next week... will be a great week. There will be another post devoted to this.

That's all for now, I'll post car pictures when I get a chance.

-Ryan

Celebrating death [edited for accuracy]

People have a lot of good things to say about the death of Osama bin Laden. Iowa State University is rumored to have had the 5th largest celebration of his death in the United States. Several people have encouraged me to crack a beer to celebrate his passing. I respectfully declined each time.

Even though the world is indisputably a much better place without bin Laden, I will not celebrate his death. If you have to ask why, consider the following: is hate ever a *good* thing? Does it really matter who it's directed at? I don't think so. Just my two cents.

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. So when Jesus says 'Love your enemies,' he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. ... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

-Martin Luther King Jr., excerpt from "Strength to Love"

The end

This afternoon, I finished the last final exam of my undergraduate degree. I actually think I aced it. Maybe since it was the last test, I subconsciously decided to use "excessive force"? In any case, there's nothing left to do now except wait for my Bachelor of Science Degree in Computer Engineering to be mailed to me. There are no more deadlines, and no more obstacles. Nothing in my way at all. A lot of people have asked me in the past week, "How does it feel to be graduating from college?" I'd hate to dash anyone's hopes here, but for me there was no fanfare, no fireworks, no huge mental celebration as I walked out of the test. Honestly, it feels a little emptier than I expected. It's by no means a bad feeling, though.

Senior Design is also done, as you probably guessed. Our system broke just before we demonstrated it, because we decided to do a battery stress test the night before. Bad move on our part, but on the bright side, we got 5 and a half hours of continuous streaming. People still seemed fairly impressed by our demo, even though it was stationary and only half the cameras had power. Personally, I think it's because we look so damn good in suits.

This truly is an odd feeling. I feel like my life is pretty wide open from here on out. There are only a few things that are certain: I will work as a computer engineer for some period of time, I will eventually get a house and a dog, and I will die someday. Everything else is still up for grabs; lots of possibilities. That feels good.

The rest of this week is devoted to catching up on sleep, self-improvement, and spending time with my friends. Saturday my parents are going to come up, and we're going to go out to lunch with Brett and his parents, and hopefully Bauer as well. I'm looking forward to that a lot.

...I guess I can finally say "I did it." Really, though, we did it. Myself, my parents, my teachers and my friends all had a hand in me making it through college successfully. Thanks to everyone I know, and everyone I have known for being a part of my life. And I thank God for setting things in motion in such a way that I ended up where I am today. If there's one thing I know, it's that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get; I was dealt an amazing hand in life, and all the people who care about me have helped me play that hand the right way. I'm very fortunate, there can be no doubt about that.

-Ryan

Things best left unsaid

As promised, here's a post that I've been giving a lot of thought to for the past month or so...

As my college career comes to a close, I've been thinking about all the things I've done right and wrong. I've also been considering situations where I may have been able to help myself and/or others more than I did. Sometimes, though, it's not possible to help someone without hurting yourself or someone else, and so you decide silence is the best option. This inevitably leads me to think about things I wish I could say to people, but which would only make situations awkward, or worsen an already-bad one if I spoke up. In some cases, I just don't think they'd listen to me, or that they shouldn't have to. Here are some of the things that I wish I could say, but can't for those reasons:

-You have to try to be more accommodating. You can't have your way all the time.

-Loosen up a bit and enjoy life more. Think how much of your short time on the planet you've wasted being annoyed or stressed.

-Getting pissed about problems does not solve them. Don't go any further down that road. I've dealt with anger issues before in my life, and it's all about self-control.

-I'm afraid that we're not going to be friends anymore once I move.

-You confuse me a lot. I'd tell you to knock it off, but I honestly don't think you can help it.

-You're wrong about me, but I'm not going to waste any more breath telling you so. Just watch and see.

-You're beautiful, intelligent, and fun. You'd probably say you don't believe me, but it's the truth.

-For months, I thought I'd never talk to you again. Now that I have, I don't really see why I didn't before now. Thanks for being my friend again.

-You're in a very precarious position right now. It's almost like a tightrope. Keep your balance, or be miserable; those seem to be your options... that's kind of rough. I wish I knew how to help, but all I can offer is an ear.

-Stop talking about how little you care about the opinions of others, and start trying to live it. You're insecure, and you're taking it out on others without realizing it.

-I miss you a little less every day, but I still miss you.


Each of those is for a different person in my life. Guessing is pointless; you're probably wrong, and I wouldn't tell you even if you were right. Please keep in mind that I'm not writing this to condescend to anyone. Some of these are brutally honest, and they point out flaws in others, but those flaws are ones that I honestly see. Ones I wish I could help them fix, but I don't want to insult them by trying. A couple of them are ones I share! Yes, I am a hypocrite for writing this. But it's been on my mind a lot, so I thought I'd share it.

An unconventional holiday

This year I decided to spend Easter with my friends in Ames instead of going home to my family. I did this for a couple reasons; the first (and most prevalent) is that I don't have very much time left with my friends before we graduate and shoot off in different directions. The second reason was senior design. This is the final week, and we're doing our documentation and tweaking the system before our demonstration on Friday. Everything has to be perfect, and since I've written around 90% of the code our team needed, I have to be here to assist in the testing and modding efforts. By the way, I'm not saying that to make it seem like other members did less; the coding was only about 1/5 of the total work in the project, so it balances out pretty nicely.

Anyway, back to Easter dinner... we started out by going to the store, which took much longer than it probably should have, but we ultimately ended up with a nice little assortment of foods, including chicken legs, sausages, salad, spaghetti, brownies, mashed potatoes and green beans. We tackled the cooking effort on two fronts; Brett and Kassie did the chicken and a couple of the sides at their apartment, while Mike, Nicole, Kelly, Sara and myself went to the "Theta" sorority house to use their (fairly awesome) kitchen. We were in charge of making some sausage stuffing and a Ceasar asparagus dish. The stuffing ended up taking an hour longer than we thought, though, because nobody had bothered to read the recipe past the ingredients list yet. Rookie mistake.

While we were cooking at the Theta house, I got a call from home. Everyone gathered around my mom's phone to yell "happy Easter Ryan" at me in unison. I was pretty touched by that. It's just a shame that I was otherwise occupied with keeping stuff from burning, but it still brought a smile to my face.

After we put stuff in the oven, we played cards for a while. Once everything was cooked we ended up meeting back at Mike and Brett's apartment and finally ate at around 9PM. I ate way too much, and it was amazing. The sausage stuffing that Mike, Kelly and I made turned out really great. That probably has something to do with the fact that we're epic. Even though I enjoy spending time with my family around holidays, I'm glad I stayed here for this one. I'm going to miss all of my college friends a lot when I move, so I'd better make the most of the time I have left with them.

That's all for now. I've got another post in mind, but I'm too tired to write it at the moment, so it'll be the next one. Good night, and Happy Easter to all.

Straightening things out

For those who don't know, I have had a bad back for a long time now, and in the past month it has really gotten painful. In addition to the back pain, my right foot recently started hurting so badly that I was limping for a while. Thinking that they might be related, I decided to go get checked out this week. The chiropractor I went to (Dr. Doug Gunderson in Ames...highly recommend him) says that my spine is leaning slightly to the right, and that he can re-align it.

Well, yesterday I had my first pain-free 3 hours in the past two weeks after a pretty effective visit to the chiropractor. I felt great, so of course I decided to go to the gym; I have been going and working through the back pain for weeks, so it should be even better now, right? Wrong, apparently. While I was doing my first round of lifting, there was a pop in my back, and then there was lots and lots of pain; the worst yet. I decided that going home and popping pills was probably more important than working out.

The moral of this story is, always ask your doctor if you should be working out after any kind of physical adjustment or surgery. I told the doc about the gym incident, and he informed me that lifting is a very bad idea for the next week or two. Lame. Fortunately, I'm not limping at all today, and the pain in my foot is slowly going away, so I may be able to substitute running for lifting pretty soon.

Senior Design is so close to done that we can taste it. I have a meeting today to discuss the final stretch of it. All of my code works really well apparently. Hooray!

Tonight I'm going to go with some people and try the Ames Buffalo Wild Wings out. Tomorrow night is Chris and Brett's birthday party. Wow, is that ever going to be a shitshow. We're going to see if we can get through the keg. We didn't last time, so I guess we'll have to step our game up a little.

What I learned this morning

1) I put 55% of my weight on my left foot.

2) Getting my neck cracked is a little scary.

3) I look really funny grocery shopping. I got laughed at twice, once while trying for around a minute to decide which brand of cheese to buy, and the second time because I grabbed way too much fruit, then realized it and put it back (it was in a bag, so I didn't actually touch all of it). I don't feel too bad, though, because this is the first time I've bought more than one day's worth of food in a single grocery store trip. Practice makes perfect.

Also, Mother Nature needs to lighten up a little bit. I know this is Iowa and all, but freezing rain should really stop after March.

My VEISHEA

The following are random pieces of my weekend. Some are significant, others are just passing feelings or thoughts. They are not in chronological order, or really any order at all. I don't see any need to describe it in a deeper or more sensible way. This is how it was:

Pool and pancakes.

Beer. Lots of it.

Shortest hangover ever.

Uncertainty.

Music.

Beer pong.

"Good things or bad things?" "Good things. Really good things." "...I believe you!"

Driving that goes nowhere, conversation that goes everywhere.

Eric is the "Smoke Bubble Godfather". Anyone who says otherwise gets whacked.

You slept in. I win.

Brett needs 3 scopes because of how gangsta he is. 270 degrees of rotation.

VEISHEA food. I should have gotten "The Grinder", but the meatball wasn't bad.

Mike and I are "the muscle".

Thinking about the future.

Friends.

"I missed you so much..."

An end that had to come.


Again, none of these little snippets are in any particular order. I feel... bittersweet. If I could rewind to Thursday at 7PM and relive everything up to Saturday at 10AM, then I would spend quite a while doing so.

The Best Operator Call Ever

Me: Iowa State Operator.
Lady: Hi, what does VEISHEA stand for?
Me: *looks it up with a simple Google search* ... It's an acronym for the colleges that were a part of Iowa State University at the time the celebration was first created. *I list the colleges...*
Lady: Okay, thanks, hey y'all know it's going to be 45 degrees out on Saturday, right?
Me: That's...awful...?
Lady: Naw, actually, I think it's pretty good, because we're bringing our dog. He's a Mahlemuit, and he has a double coat. They're just one step away from wolves. They're the dogs used in the Iditarod, if you know what that is...

[2 minutes telling me about Mahlemuits, with me desperately looking for an opportunity to hang up, or really any way to get a word in edgewise without offending this person, who possibly intends to spend money at VEISHEA]

Me: Well, thanks for that information. Is there anything else I can help you with? (Yes, I realize this was a huge mistake. I actually physically cringed as I finished the sentence.)
Lady: Do you know what time the parade is?
Me: *more googling*...10:30AM.

[1 minute talking about last year's parade.]

Lady: And what time do the booths open? They have some great freebies at some of them if you get there early.
Me: *guessing, because I have already spent far too long on this call* 9:00 AM?
Lady: Perfect, that's when we were gonna get there.

[coworkers are looking at me now from the support area, and laughing]

Lady: You know, last year there was a girl standing around the planned parenthood booth with a shirt that said "Abortion is the equivalent of capital punishment", and she had a sign that said "baby killers" on it.
Me: Uh, wow. Well, people have diverse opinions, and it's definitely well within her rights to protest.
Lady: I told her good job. It is murder.
Me: [getting extremely uncomfortable] And you're certainly entitled to your opinion on that matter.
Lady: What's your view on it?
Me: I can't... uh... I'm not allowed to give my opinion on this line.

[She says one or two more things about abortion and how wrong it is, and I tell her that I have to help someone else now..which is true, a guy has just walked into the Solution Center.]

Lady: Okay, before you go, [NOOOOOOOO] are you playing Tangled for the outdoor movie on Friday night?
What I wish I had said: I'm sorry, you used all the time I would have normally spent answering that question going off on random tangents.
What I was obligated by policy to say: There's an outdoor movie on Thursday night, and it's The Green Hornet.
Lady: What's that about?
What I should have said: Do you OWN a computer?! Have access to one, even?
What I did say: It's kind of a superhero movie.
Lady: Do you know if that's appropriate for children?
What I might have said if I didn't care about the university's reputation: Nope. There's boobs, blood and guts everywhere. And gratuitous amounts of drug use. And every other word is an F-bomb.
What I did say: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lady: Alright then... thanks.
Me: Have a nice night! *click*

:|




Also...

For anyone who is curious after reading this, I am tentatively pro-choice, although I think that adoption is almost always a better option. I would never agree to the abortion of a child I helped conceive, but I don't think it's within my rights to "save people from themselves" by preventing anyone else from getting one. In other words, I think they are to be avoided, but not banned completely.

There is no title I like enough to commit to.

Just a few idle words;
nothing complex,
nothing meaningful.

They're enough to affirm
my existence in your eyes;
they're beautiful.

Here it goes again,
I feel I'm falling away
from blue skies, cold for a spring day.

But there's nothing I can do,
nothing more to say;
I have nothing left for you.

We were both meant to walk away.

I can't help but wish
I'd looked in the right place,
if only for a glimpse of your face.

But sadly, I just passed you by
with music in my ears,
and my thoughts trapped in the sky.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's poem is brought to you by boredom at work, the letter "E" and the number −1.602×10^(−19). Today's closing thought is brought to you by Sesame Street.

Edit: The back story to this is fairly simple, so I may as well post it. I passed someone I like a lot while running the other day, she texted me later saying she had seen me, and part of me wished I'd seen her so I could stop to talk. There's kind of a constant war going on in my head these days, between my desire to build connections and my instinct telling me to keep my distance since I'm leaving soon.

The Dillinger Escape Plan...

...are my heroes. That band is as amazing live as they are in their albums. Their musical ability is second to none that I've seen, and I've seen some pretty ridiculously talented bands.

My favorite band member is Greg Puciato, their lead singer. He really knows how to put on a high-energy, intense, and yet very warm and friendly show. He gets the crowd involved a lot. He's always right at the front of the stage, clasping hands, giving mic taps, interacting in any way he can. He doesn't so much sing TO his audience; he sings WITH them. At one point, he even jumped off the stage into the pit and gave everyone an opportunity to sing along. He basically became part of the pit for a while. It was really awesome.

Their instrumental parts are insanely complex, and generally seem impossible to play even in ideal conditions, but they manage to pull it off while flipping their guitars around, running all over the stage, jumping around, screaming the lyrics along with Greg... It's truly a sight to behold.

I managed to get a few pictures around the start of their set. I didn't get any really good ones, because I was right by the stage and the pit for most of the show, so I didn't want to take my phone out for fear it'd get knocked out of my hands. Anyway, I'll be able to remember that show without too many pictures I think.

Random things..

Senior Design is becoming a huge bitch. There's nothing more annoying than being told to write code, but not being given a specific requirement for what it should do. I did my best, and the people who I was writing it for said it's not what they expected. I can't even express how annoying that is.

This weekend I'm going to Des Moines to see The Dillinger Escape Plan live, and I am SUPER JACKED about it. My friend Brendan and I (and probably some other people) are going to hit the bars on Court Ave. before the show, too. I'm especially looking forward to the German bierhaus they've got down there. We're also going to hit up Guitar Center so that Brendan can look at new cymbals, and I can drool over guitars that I can't afford. Basically, it's going to be fun.

It's nice out, but I'm trapped at work... again. When I get out of here, I am going to go outside and run until my legs won't move anymore! Can't wait.



And, let's not forget...

Yet another monday morning...

Everything has a beginning and an end. We can't be afraid to start something just because it will eventually end, or nobody would ever get anywhere in life. Sometimes you end up in a familiar place after taking a chance, and sometimes that's not the most pleasant place to be. Last night I ended up somewhere that I've been several times over the past year: sitting in my room a little drunk, staring at the floor, and wondering if the good which came from my choices outweighed the pain they brought. It can be a really difficult question to answer, but the answer is "yes" this time. Fortunately, almost every time I've had to ask myself that question, I was able to answer similarly. Whenever I find that isn't true, I know that I'm not living the way I should.

I was dating someone for a while recently, someone who I ended up getting closer to than I originally intended. I told myself that we could just go out, have fun, and not really form an attachment since I'm leaving soon. I can't really control affection very well, though; it's one of my greatest flaws. Sarina was stronger than I was in this instance; despite feeling the same about me as I did about her, she was able to make a rational decision not to keep seeing me. She decided that it wasn't worth it to her to build our connection any further knowing that it was just going to be severed when I left. I know that it was the right choice for her, and I'm glad she made it. Maybe it was the right outcome for both of us, but I don't think I would have chosen to stop hanging out with her until I had to.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I can't forge more new connections with people here, because I'll be gone before they ever develop into anything meaningful. I can't go back to Omaha yet, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to; I want to spend as much time with my friends here as possible. When I get there, though, I wonder if this feeling of being between phases of my life will change. I have to assume it will, but I wish there was some guarantee.

Despite the "voice" I'm using in this post, I'm really not too down. On the contrary, I am still pretty content with life. I really need to stop staying up so late on Sunday nights, though. Last night I went to Welch Ave. Station with Mike, Kelly and Bauer... Seemed like a great idea at the time, but I am even more tired than usual this morning. Not only did I stay out until 2:30AM, but I drank as well. Still made it to work by 7:05, though! I think I deserve a medal or something. The "Award for Overcoming One's Own Stupidity" seems like an appropriate name for such a prize. I can't wait to go home and sleep. Normally that's impossible for me during the day, but I have a feeling I might just pull it off this time!

This just in...

The new BTBAM and Periphery EPs are SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...

[insert a lot more "I"s here]

...IIIIIICK.

That's all I have to say at the moment.

holy shit

Im relly drunk. Yes, at 10AM. No i dont want to talk about it.

Hey internet, you ever thought that you believed in osmething and later realized it is just a bunch of bullshit? Tahts basically what happened to me last night.l I thought, "hey, I may as well be happy while i can right?", but i was just deluding myself into thinking everything was goign well, when really i hate where my life is going. I should have gotten off this path a long time ago, back when i realized i hated computer engineering, but now its too late and I have to dop it for the rest of my life. On second thought, maybe i'll jusrt go become a "haberdasher to the stars" or some bullshit like that. sounds lucrative right?

REbecca Black is terrible. she is a terrible, terrible singer. She makes puncturing your own eardrum with a damn toothpick seem like a very appealing option.. why do they play her music at bowling alleys now?! I mean, im not topping any charts either, but she is just awful.

By the way, did yuo know that George Washington was 8 ft tall and weighted a fucking ton? LIterally a ton. 2000 pounds. thats a ton i think.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Does_1_ton_has_2000_pounds

Im RIGHT!

Anyway, fuck beign sober, fuck computer engineering, fuck life. just waltz through it as best you can and try not to Darwinize yourself. the only true goal is to survive and contrbute to the growing population crisis thats going to kill off our pathetic race...

if you're still reading, then thanks, whoever you are. in closing, I wish you a very happy April Fool's Day, sucker :)





I know that nobody will fall for this, and that it's probably only funny to me. I considered just stopping, but in the end I decided that the post was too much fun to write, so I kept going. Hope it gave you a laugh.

P.S. - The "Washington" thing is from this video that Sarina showed me the other night. It is pretty damn funny.

What I think of music...

It's a bridge that spans thousands of miles and millions of years. It's something that most of us love, but none of us can fully define. It's glue for a broken heart and peace for a restless mind. Most important of all, though, music is the immortal story of humanity, written in a language that all of us can understand.

That's the best I can do to describe it.

"Forever" and now

Last night, as usual, I decided not to go to sleep until 1:30AM when I had to get up for work at 6:30. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that I haven't gotten much sleep for the past 3 days, so I am actually feeling the effects this morning. I apologize in advance for the following nonsensical rant.

Forever is an extremely long time, particularly when talking about a friendship, or any relationship with another person. Even "a lifetime" is pushing it in many cases. Many of us hope for that life-long bond with people we care about, but it's not always possible. The fact is, no matter how much a person wants another person in their life, sometimes it simply doesn't pan out. Look out to the horizon too much, and you might miss what's happening right under your feet. Suddenly, you and that other person find yourselves staring across an expanse of water, standing on two halves of a once-whole ice patch. In the best case, you can each manage to close the distance a little and remain in the other's life. In the worst cases, you try for a long time to repair what's broken, but you are eventually forced to conclude that no amount of paddling will ever bring you close again. It's happened to me (and everyone) numerous times, and that is incredibly annoying to me; I hate losing people. Thinking about "forever" only seems to make it worse; you miss some of the precious little time you have together, because you're thinking about things that haven't happened yet, and may not ever happen. Planning for the future is a good idea, thinking about the future can be fun, but you had better make sure you're good and ready before investing in it emotionally.

I'd rather live now than have my thoughts trapped in eternity. There has to be a balance, of course; you can't just ignore your future, or you may not have one. I've been doing a good job of living in the present, and keeping the future in its place: hoping for a good one, making the necessary plans and preparations to create a good one, but not worrying myself sick about what might go wrong. I think it's contributed a lot to my happiness. Lately, whether I'm in class, at work, with friends, on a date, anywhere; wherever I am, there I am. I really love it. I went through a long phase where it seemed like all I could think about was the future. I got fairly obsessed. If I had to sum it up in a single word, that word would be "stressful". Even though I'll never get back the moments I missed during that time, I find it pretty hard to lament them; the present is just too good.

In closing, if anything here didn't make sense, was poorly-worded, was improperly punctuated or any other such complaint, just chalk it up to sleep deprivation. Next time I'll be better-rested, and I'll have to come up with another excuse!

Thoughts

I think it's really nice to be able to put "what ifs" aside and just be happy to be near someone who makes you smile.

I think that the song "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer sounds pretty cool, considering how easy it is to play.

I think that Periphery is the next BTBAM, both in terms of musical ability and creativity.

I think that a rodeo cheeseburger here and there never hurt anyone.

I think that these have been a pretty great couple of weeks.

I think I'll go fall asleep with a smile on my face now.

G'night all.

The difference a week can make

It's surprisingly huge. I went back to Omaha and stayed with my dad for a few days because everyone at mom's house was sick. I don't spend a whole lot of time with my dad, so it was nice to hang out with him for an extended period of time. During the first part of the week most of my time was spent looking at apartments and cars, because my goal for the break was to get the material aspects of my life figured out for when I move back. The first apartments I looked at were ridiculously expensive ones with tons of amenities, fancy restaurants and nice gyms nearby. I realized that I really can't justify spending $850 on rent every month. I just don't need a place that nice. Maybe I want one, but I feel like I can get by with a cheaper option. After all, I don't want to live in an apartment for more than a few years; I'll be saving up money for a down payment on a house. I found a place that's about 2 miles from work which should do just fine, and it's a little more reasonably priced.

I went to a Chevy dealership and test drove a couple of trucks. The Chevy Silverado extended cab is definitely my favorite. I also went out to a Subaru dealership and tried an Impreza. I like the Impreza, but the only way I'd buy one is if I wanted to buy a turbocharger and a cold air intake to throw in it. The side of me that loves hobbies thinks that putting aftermarket parts in my car would be really fun, but the Subaru doesn't get very good gas mileage. I've concluded that although what I really want is a truck, I would be better served waiting a couple years and buying a smaller car in the meantime. I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing A LOT of traveling, so it would be good to have a car that gets more than 30 MPG. I'm a pretty huge fan of the Chevy Cruze, and I intend to test drive one next time I'm back.

My grandparents made it home safely from Hawaii, though they just barely missed getting hit by a tsunami spawned by the quake in Japan. They left their hotel literally a half hour before the landfall. When they got back down to the town the next morning, it was a real mess. Streets covered in debris, seawall broken, buildings damaged, some extremely seriously. I'm really glad they got out when they did. They brought me back a little souvenir ukulele, and I have to say I'm really touched. I learned how to play the chords to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", and I'm having a great time with it thus far. This little gift has reminded me how important music is to my life. For the past couple weeks, I've been virtually ignoring that aspect of myself, and I think it was a terrible mistake. I've decided to go back to playing every day, because no matter how awful I feel, strumming a few chords and humming a song never fails to put a smile on my face.

I got to see all those friends I hardly ever get to hang out with, and as always it was a good time. Wednesday night I went down to Peru, NE to visit Inori and Lynzei, too. That was pretty fun! Now I'm back in Ames, and I'm glad to say that I'm feeling really motivated, and in a really good mood. I don't have it all figured out, but I have enough that I can feel comfortable, and I'm excited to see how all of this decision making pans out. Regardless of what I plan out, there's always a pretty good chance that I'll just change my mind at the very last second, so it should be pretty interesting. You might ask, if I'm just going to change my mind, then why make plans at all? It's really just so that I know I have a fallback. At the moments that I have to actually make these decisions about where to live, what to drive, how to spend my time, if I'm not feeling impulsive then I'll have my well-reasoned options already chosen.

So, what difference can a week make? You can spend time with people you don't get enough time with (and make new friends along the way). You can take a look into your future, and mold it into what you want it to be. You can fix your priorities, and become much more content with life in the process.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My heart goes out to everyone in Japan, and all those with family and friends there. I'll be hoping and praying for their safety, and the nation's recovery.

Urrrgh. I'm a zombie.

I didn't think very hard before signing up for my Tuesday night shifts this semester. I figured, 'hey, I'll take the shift and help out since very few people actually want the late night and early morning ones.' What I didn't think enough about was the reason WHY nobody had signed up for this shift. I don't mind my 7AM shift so much, because it goes fairly fast usually. There is generally quite a bit to do on a Monday morning around here. On a Tuesday night after 5PM, however, this place becomes about as busy as a Best Buy in Montana.

But hey, I could always be using this time to do something constructive, right? Wrong. My homework requires a book (not allowed), senior design requires that I be in our team lab on the third floor of Coover (not possible according to the laws of physics as we know them... maybe if I cloned myself, or somehow opened up some kind of inter-dimensional wormhole between here and there, I could work on SD while doing my job), and any other constructive things I could possibly do are either not allowed, or frowned upon. I suppose one might consider writing "constructive", but I don't unless it's for a class or work.

Hmm, what else? I've been sick in one way or another for like a week and a half now. I might finally be getting better long-term (I've had a few recoveries and relapses in the past week), but I am not willing to outright say it yet for fear that I'll jinx it. This is very odd, because I don't get sick very often. I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to me not sleeping very much. For those of you who don't know, I'm at war with sleep. Sleep seems to be using biological warfare, though. Cheap bastard...

Senior design is going pretty well, with the exception of Daji worrying that we won't finish. Some people (you know who you are :)...) accuse me of being a pessimist (or a socialist... ha!), but my project adviser makes me look like Bob the Builder sometimes. It's true that we have some serious work to do yet, but unless we find another hardware incompatibility that we can't fix, the project is probably going to get finished.

Next week is going to be really exciting for me, and I'll make another post about it. If all goes according to plan, I'm going to know a lot more details about what my post-college life will be like.

RANDOM JUNK TIME!

I have a headache, but it's not really in my head. It's actually at the base of my skull where my neck meets my head. It is really annoying, and I am afraid it might mean I have a brain tumor. On second thought, I'm probably just dehydrated.

I'm having a conversation on Facebook about strange colors for hair. My friend said that if her hair was naturally pink, she would grow her pubes in. I think that'd be a little creepy, but I said that I'd prefer mine to be super-saiyan gold. She thinks I'd never get any if my body hair glowed, but I don't even care. I'd be GLOWING!

When I first started this particular blog post, I typed the first word that came to mind into the "Title" bar, and that word was "Turnip." Where the fuck did I get TURNIP from? Turnip is a really funny word in my opinion, though. It makes me wonder how things were named in previous languages in order to evolve into what they are in English. Was there a natural transition from some word in Latin to create the modern word "turnip"? Maybe worth researching sometime when I'm even more bored than I am now. And who knows if that'll ever happen?

I think that my last week of working here when I'm doing operator, I might just snap and start answering with weird catch phrases like "England prevails!! Just kidding, Iowa State Operator."
Or maybe, "What's the password? Don't worry, there's no password. Iowa State Operator, how may I help you?"
If I get really ballsy, I'll try "911, what is the nature of your emergency?" That one could get me in serious trouble, though, so maybe I'd better leave that off the roster. I'd like to do pickup lines, but that could also get me in pretty huge trouble depending on who's on the other end.


Well, this post has successfully numbed my boredom for the past 15 minutes. Thanks for reading, whoever you are. Bye now.

Taking Heart

Of all the things I can believe,
in this world of broken dreams,
the best is that someone can understand;
that there's shade on burning sands.

When I'm blistered from the sun,
Sometimes someone comes along,
and proves there's more to life than loss;
sheltering me, and soothing remorse.

I remember the night you explained,
and inside the echoes of my pain,
I heard the voice of truth ring through,
and I put my faith in you.

I no longer believe in love,
but I know that you do.
And I think, just maybe, that's enough
to help me live anew. You said...

"Love's not fragile, true love is steel:
impossible to break, and slow to yield.
So much better than bone and flesh,
it holds us up when we've no strength left."

I remember on that day,
that in the vast depths of my pain,
I heard the voice of truth ring through,
and I will always have faith in you.



This is rapidly turning into a song. If I get it to the point where I think it's good enough to share, I'll throw a video of me playing it up here.

I AM EXCITED!

There are several reasons for this.

1) Next weekend I get to go visit my friend Inori. Good times will be had.
2) Over spring break I get to test drive cars. I can't even describe how great it will be to get rid of mine. Don't get me wrong, it's a good car, but it's really hard to start, the sound system sucks, and the suspension is kind of shaky to say the least.
3) In April, Periphery is releasing a new album. I have heard a few raw clips that Misha Mansoor posted on his soundclick, and it sounds like it's going to be RIDICULOUSLY good.
4) Also in April, some friends and I are taking a road trip down to Dallas for the MLG Pro Circuit, where Brett will be competing in SC2 and Jon will be competing in Halo: Reach. The rest of us will undoubtedly spend most of our time cheering for said competitors, being huge nerds, and hopefully hitting the bars pretty hard!

AN...
TI.. CI?

PATION!!!!

It's killing me.

Happy Valentine's Day, whoever!

Happy Commercializing Love Day! Or Singles Awareness Day. Whatever you prefer. Not a fan of the holiday, but the "happy" wish is totally sincere, I assure you!

So I was looking through my draft posts and... I am one weird dude. I get all "philosophical" in some posts, and then get self-conscious about them and "save as draft". I happened upon one about purpose, and one about selfishness. Here's the Spark Notes for each:

What I think of purpose...
I think that everyone is born with potential for multiple purposes they can fulfill. In order not to encroach on free will, the universe was designed such that people can have many roles (and tend to have diverse talents usually). The people who are the least happy in the world tend to be those who deviate from their given set of "optimal" paths through life. That is not to say that one can't be happy straying from the beaten path; I'm saying that those who are unhappy with their careers or feel that their life lacks meaning are probably among those who did. I definitely did, and I'm kind of hoping that I don't end up as one of those unfortunate people I just described.

What I think of selfishness...
A while back I had a conversation about selfishness with a really sharp friend of mine, Inori. She's of the opinion that there are two different types of selfishness: malicious selfishness and necessary selfishness. I completely agree, and I'll try to lay out what we concluded. The malicious type is essentially selfishness for its own sake. You take from others and give nothing in return, even if you have the ability to help those in need. Malicious selfishness is truly awful, and I believe it's next to impossible for anyone with a conscience or a decent moral compass to be guilty of it. Necessary selfishness, on the other hand, is neither easy to define, nor morally reprehensible. An act of necessary selfishness might be done in the interest of self-preservation, or the preservation of those closest to a person. If there is a bus accident and your family is on the bus, you will help them before helping other passengers. Some might call this simple logic, but it is an act of bias, and a completely understandable and necessary one. If a man is starving and refuses to give some food he finds to another starving man who asks for it, that is necessary selfishness. He's doing what it takes to survive. I'm not saying Aladdin was wrong; giving his food to those kids was a really nice gesture, and admirable, but you won't last long actually living in the streets if you get into habits like that. Selflessness is for the privileged; it's for those who have so much that they can give part of what they have away and still live their lives happily. By the way, thanks to Ino for that interesting conversation. I'm sure I left a few of your key points out, and I apologize. Feel free to correct me.

Enough of that. What else do I want to talk about? I'm learning to play Terran in Starcraft II. So far all I know how to do is 3racks and do some rudimentary Hellion play. I'll eventually be learning builds from Brett (who's a Master League Terran as of this past friday), so I'm sure I'll hit diamond over the summer.

Still plugging away at guitar, I really want some lessons. Probably going to start those up over the summer as well.

Over spring break I'm going to be shopping for cars and places to live, so that'll be fun. Til then, pretty much just doing senior design, exploring some extracurricular stuff that I've been wanting to do, and "snapping nerd necks" on SC2 as my friend Bauer would say.

I wish

That I could just enjoy the small things in life without wondering why, and second guessing it.
That I didn't have to think ahead, and could live in the moment.
That I had the strength to show weakness.
That I could just feel down for a day and not beat myself down further for feeling that way.
That I didn't have to feel anything at all unless I wanted to.
That I didn't disappoint myself.
That I knew what the point of all this is.

But you know, at the end of the day, wishing gets one about as far as daydreaming. I'll wake up tomorrow and keep going, because that's what I was taught to do. I don't always have to like it, though.

Update

So, admittedly, that poem I posted before this was pretty emo, and not really characteristic of me. What can I say, it's been a rough few days. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in recent memory that I didn't act like myself. The reason I made it a public post is because I did manage to throw in a couple redeeming turns of phrase among all the over-dramatic crap.

Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.

Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.

To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.

As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.

What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.

This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.

-Ryan

Untitled freeverse

The cracked concrete drank the heat
from his back as he leaned and listened.
Staring blankly at the street,
all he heard was relentless whispers:
snowflakes rustled on the ground,
and the whole world glistened.
He saw no beauty in the night;
he closed his eyes, and shivered.
Curious how even crumbling cement
was so much stronger than he.
"What am I really?", he wondered.
He was reminded of a metaphor,
but 'dust in the wind' seemed generous;
those who are moved are the lucky ones among us.
The rest are more like sand.
They creep along the ground, and watch
as those they aspire to be fly by:
those few who are given wings
by the passing breeze of the infinite hand.
He was just a clumsy grain,
watching them all fly away
devoid of tears to cry,
and out of words to pray.
And so he simply stood and listened,
waiting for a better day.

Here I sit

...at 3:10AM on a Tuesday morning watching the creator of my favorite webcomic (Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques) draw tomorrow's strip on a livestream. I really wish I had found out about this stream before tonight; it's so awesome. That's not all I'm posting about, don't worry.

I'm back at school for my final semester, but part of me just wants it to be over with already. I got hired for a full-time position in OPPD's EMS department. I'll be living in Omaha after I'm done with college, and I think I'll be pretty content with my living situation. Getting a job was a major concern, and that was one of the first ones on my list; needless to say I am thrilled. My only real concerns in life right now are as follows:

1) We need to get Senior Design done before I can start "living the dream", and
2) I am worried about being further away from people I'd much rather be near once the semester ends.

I feel like I can probably handle both of those issues (and any others that might arise). A major part of my life has snapped into place, so I suppose the other pieces of the puzzle will inevitably fly around chaotically and try to find their spot in the new scheme, possibly hitting me in the process. I'll just have to be ready to duck.

RANDOM TANGENT: I'm really enjoying having my desktop computer working (finally). The issue of it ended up being a bad Windows install disk coupled with an incompatibility with an older version of Windows. No hardware issues at all, though sometimes it decides to shut itself down suddenly when I am downloading something. It doesn't happen often enough for me to actually want to reformat though, so I guess I'll deal with it for now.

I just jumped into a spirited discussion on the livestream chat about old TV shows from when I was 10, and as a result forgot what I was going to talk about next. I think I'll go put away laundry and go to sleep once Jeph posts this strip. I think he's about done. Goodnight and stuff.