Update

So, admittedly, that poem I posted before this was pretty emo, and not really characteristic of me. What can I say, it's been a rough few days. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in recent memory that I didn't act like myself. The reason I made it a public post is because I did manage to throw in a couple redeeming turns of phrase among all the over-dramatic crap.

Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.

Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.

To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.

As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.

What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.

This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.

-Ryan