Origin

In his mind, he builds a straw man,

to shout his angst, and knock it down.

To take the edge off loneliness again,

because the cause and solution is not around.

There was a time when their hands entwined,

and they whispered their souls into the dark,

air kissed with perfume, breath full of red wine,

discovery, excitement everywhere they embarked.

One fateful day, his adoring eyes fell

on a lapse somewhere deep in her pensive gaze.

A forced smile, or a silence long held

weaved doubt into his carefree days.

Doubt grew to be worry, and soured to regret,

not for her disdain, but for his own love.

There was no way to fight it; you get what you get,

and he gave so much more for a glance from above.

Thus the phrase came about, awful, yet true:

"The person who cares most will always lose."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this while I was feeling down, and I don't necessarily believe every word as I sit here now.  I do think that there's an inherent risk to loving someone; there's always the possibility that it won't be reciprocated, and that is one of the most painful parts of the human experience.  I'm fine right now, though, so don't mistake this little bit of doom and gloom for anything more than the product of a shitty night.

-RAD

Among the living

OPPD's new Energy Management System arrives early next week. Holy crap. We're gonna be so busy! I smell a few 10-12 hour shifts heading my way.

Oh, by the way, I'm still alive. I tend to just randomly stop updating this blog every so often, but I always come back to it eventually; usually it's because I'm doing something else unrelated on my computer, get bored, and then remember that this page exists. That's definitely what happened this time.

And so, off we go... I've been working on narrowing my interests down since last post. I tend to keep my computer-related endeavors at work. For example, I'm writing a Wordpress plugin for OPPD right now, and the last thing I really want to do when I get home is do more web programming. That's a double-edged sword, though, because I have a computer sitting behind me that's in pieces and needs to be fixed for a friend. I need a digital multimeter to figure out what exactly is wrong with it, though, so I haven't been in a huge rush to fix it thus far.

I guess not much has changed in my life the past month or two, and I'm thrilled about that! I went to Ames for the Iowa/Iowa State game and tailgated with some people. That was a great time. I've also been to a Husker game (I went and watched them play Washington with my dad last weekend), so I can feel like a true fan for another season. Outside of that, same-old same-old. Leigh Ann and I are going to River Riot at Westfair this Friday. I think it's going to be a great show, and we're both really looking forward to it.

I've begun to refine some opinions on some very sensitive and complex issues, such as theism vs. atheism and the state of the United States' democracy. If I'm feeling particularly strongly about anything in the coming weeks, I may share a few of them. I've also got an idea for a new story that I want to write. I think it has the potential to be pretty good, but I'm going to break away from my usual habit of just starting to write with no preparation, and actually lay everything out in my mind before beginning it.

I guess that's all I've got for now, I'll be sure and update sooner this time.

Judgment

I need a quick brain-dump here. I have always had pretty good judgment. Sometimes I regret decisions I make, only to find out much later that they were absolutely the right ones. I really hope that the decision I've made tonight turns out to be one of those.

Sometimes I worry that putting too much faith in my judgment has caused me to pass up a lot of really good times, though. Sure, it saves me from grief, but I can't help but wonder if the costs outweigh the benefits occasionally. I wish for a day that I could just act on impulse and see what happens. I hardly ever act on impulse. The vast majority of my actions are premeditated, cross-examined, weighed and balanced before I ever take them. It would be interesting to see how different my life would be if that wasn't the case.

Prime example: earlier tonight I told someone completely truthfully that I would love to be a taxi driver. I would. I think it would be a good career for me. The rational side of my mind tells me that I would have trouble down the road (pun intended) because of the financial situation, but the idea of driving around, listening to music, talking to strangers all day for a living still interests me.

I also neglected to tell that same person something I really, REALLY want to, because I don't know the outcome. It's a complete wild card, and I refuse to play it simply because I can't create an exit strategy without knowing the possible endings. That bothers me.

And I'm spent! Be sure and read my Chicago post below if you haven't, it's a much more entertaining one than this.

Chicago

So! I'm back. I can't really describe all the fun I had in a single blog post, but I'm going to run through the hilights:

Wednesday: Karaoke night in Gurnee, IL. This was Kassie's first (of three) birthday celebration, and it was a riot. I drank a little more than I should have, but still managed to sing several songs, among which were "Kryptonite" and "Ring of Fire". It ended too soon, though, I had a couple more in mind to try out. Next time!

Thursday: Chicago, day 1. It was amazing, as Chicago always is. It's my favorite U.S. city, and this trip re-affirmed that for me. Thursday afternoon we went into the city and spent the day at the Field Museum, the Shedd Aquarium, the planetarium and walking all around Michigan Avenue. I'm pretty sure we walked 10 miles or so that day, not counting walking around the museums. It was a ton of fun.

Friday: We went into the city again, and this time we went to the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry. It was basically nerd paradise. There was an exhibit called Body Worlds, which consists of preserved human bodies displayed in a lot of really beautiful and informative poses and states. It was most definitely an educational exhibit, but there was a certain art to it as well. I will say that it's probably not an exhibit for the faint of heart, or those who get queasy easily, though. After the museum, we went back to Round Lake (Kassie's suburb) and had a cookout with her family. This was birthday party number two.

Saturday: We spent most of the day hanging out in Round Lake, and then headed into the city for bar hopping in Wrigleyville (three). For those who aren't familiar (because I certainly wasn't), Wrigleyville is the area immediately surrounding the iconic Wrigley Stadium. There are a ton of great bars in that area, and we had a really good time. At the end of the night, we went to Taco Bell, and I came into possession of a packet of hot sauce that said "Are you single?" on it. I was tasked with giving this packet to a person on the street, and I did it. I did my best to appear friendly and sane, but the lucky recipient still looked at me like she thought I was about to kill her. People in Chicago apparently aren't used to random drunken strangers walking up and handing them things. Come to think of it, that's probably how it is most places.

Sunday: Six Flags in Gurnee! I hadn't been to an amusement park in a long time, so I had way too much fun riding all the rollercoasters. Brett and Kassie aren't huge fans of roller coasters, so I had most of the fun while they held my wallet and phone. Poor them! But all in all, we each had a good day there. The only problem was that the Hurricane Harbor wasn't open yet. Too early in the season. It was a real shame, too, because it was a very hot day (85-90 degrees at some parts). There were a couple water rides open, though.

Sunday night I was supposed to come home, but due to weather I ended up getting stuck in Milwaukee. It gave me some great reading time, though. Today I came home via a flight that technically had no seats open on it. I was supposed to go through Dallas, but DFW airport tends to stop all flights as soon as a raindrop hits the tarmac, and my plane out of Milwaukee was delayed too much for me to make my connecting flight to Omaha. I ended up swapping my ticket out at the last minute for a late night direct flight, but I had them put me on standby for the evening flight. It turns out that was a very good idea. One person didn't show up, and so I ended up making it home around 7:30PM, which is much better than the 11:00PM arrival time I would have had.

The trip was amazing, and I'll post pictures on Facebook for those who are friends with me there. I may also edit this post and throw a few in here. It really depends on how lazy I get / how short my attention span is that day.

One more thing...

Well, I hate to end such a great weekend with a "serious" mood, but this was brought to mind by certain conversations and events of the past couple hours...

If I've seemed distant to any of you lately, it's probably because I'm slowly being forced to re-assess all of my friendships and relationships. Certain people are going to fall out of my life now that I've moved. There's not much I can do about it in some cases. I'm not trying to encourage that happening, though; I hate losing friends, and I hate it when people I'm close to drift away. My coping mechanisms have never been the best, and I think that my response to this has been to close myself off a little bit. I think that's a shame, and I'm going to work on it.

Bottom line: if you are or have been my friend, I appreciate you and wish you the best. Even if we haven't talked in a while.

A pretty awesome weekend

I had one. Mark Bauer came to visit Omaha on Friday, and we went to the hookah bar downtown. Saturday morning, Ino came into town, so we all hung out and took my new car out for its first real interstate trip to Fort Calhoun, where we grilled out and had a bonfire with s'mores.

Saturday night, Ino, Bauer and I got a couple rooms at the Embassy Suites downtown, eliminating the need for anyone to drive, and then Bauer and I hit the bars. We got completely wrecked, and had a great time. "Pond Scum" from Billy Frogg's is our friend. I think my new favorite bar is The Dubliner, though. Great live music, and lots of interesting people.

Today (Sunday) I saw Bauer off after lunch at Charleston's, which was amazing. Their cheeseburger makes a hell of a hangover cure. Tonight I went to see "Fast Five" with Jeff, Lynzei, Ino and Chris. I really enjoyed it, despite all the completely impossible stuff they did with those Dodge Chargers (anyone who saw the movie knows exactly what I'm talking about). In fact, I learned from the movie that Chargers have infinite horsepower, weigh about 10 tons (but still handle as if they weigh 500 lbs), and have indestructible tires made out of some kind of metal alloy soaked in the blood of Zeus. I need to get me one of those.

Oh, speaking of cars, I have a new one. I will probably still post pictures at some point, but I have not gotten them off my phone's memory card yet. It's a 2011 Chevy Malibu 1LT, and I absolutely love it so far.

So yeah, really great few days! Oh, and I am going to Chicago for 5 days on Tuesday... Life is definitely great!

Celebrating death [edited for accuracy]

People have a lot of good things to say about the death of Osama bin Laden. Iowa State University is rumored to have had the 5th largest celebration of his death in the United States. Several people have encouraged me to crack a beer to celebrate his passing. I respectfully declined each time.

Even though the world is indisputably a much better place without bin Laden, I will not celebrate his death. If you have to ask why, consider the following: is hate ever a *good* thing? Does it really matter who it's directed at? I don't think so. Just my two cents.

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. So when Jesus says 'Love your enemies,' he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. ... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

-Martin Luther King Jr., excerpt from "Strength to Love"

The end

This afternoon, I finished the last final exam of my undergraduate degree. I actually think I aced it. Maybe since it was the last test, I subconsciously decided to use "excessive force"? In any case, there's nothing left to do now except wait for my Bachelor of Science Degree in Computer Engineering to be mailed to me. There are no more deadlines, and no more obstacles. Nothing in my way at all. A lot of people have asked me in the past week, "How does it feel to be graduating from college?" I'd hate to dash anyone's hopes here, but for me there was no fanfare, no fireworks, no huge mental celebration as I walked out of the test. Honestly, it feels a little emptier than I expected. It's by no means a bad feeling, though.

Senior Design is also done, as you probably guessed. Our system broke just before we demonstrated it, because we decided to do a battery stress test the night before. Bad move on our part, but on the bright side, we got 5 and a half hours of continuous streaming. People still seemed fairly impressed by our demo, even though it was stationary and only half the cameras had power. Personally, I think it's because we look so damn good in suits.

This truly is an odd feeling. I feel like my life is pretty wide open from here on out. There are only a few things that are certain: I will work as a computer engineer for some period of time, I will eventually get a house and a dog, and I will die someday. Everything else is still up for grabs; lots of possibilities. That feels good.

The rest of this week is devoted to catching up on sleep, self-improvement, and spending time with my friends. Saturday my parents are going to come up, and we're going to go out to lunch with Brett and his parents, and hopefully Bauer as well. I'm looking forward to that a lot.

...I guess I can finally say "I did it." Really, though, we did it. Myself, my parents, my teachers and my friends all had a hand in me making it through college successfully. Thanks to everyone I know, and everyone I have known for being a part of my life. And I thank God for setting things in motion in such a way that I ended up where I am today. If there's one thing I know, it's that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get; I was dealt an amazing hand in life, and all the people who care about me have helped me play that hand the right way. I'm very fortunate, there can be no doubt about that.

-Ryan

Things best left unsaid

As promised, here's a post that I've been giving a lot of thought to for the past month or so...

As my college career comes to a close, I've been thinking about all the things I've done right and wrong. I've also been considering situations where I may have been able to help myself and/or others more than I did. Sometimes, though, it's not possible to help someone without hurting yourself or someone else, and so you decide silence is the best option. This inevitably leads me to think about things I wish I could say to people, but which would only make situations awkward, or worsen an already-bad one if I spoke up. In some cases, I just don't think they'd listen to me, or that they shouldn't have to. Here are some of the things that I wish I could say, but can't for those reasons:

-You have to try to be more accommodating. You can't have your way all the time.

-Loosen up a bit and enjoy life more. Think how much of your short time on the planet you've wasted being annoyed or stressed.

-Getting pissed about problems does not solve them. Don't go any further down that road. I've dealt with anger issues before in my life, and it's all about self-control.

-I'm afraid that we're not going to be friends anymore once I move.

-You confuse me a lot. I'd tell you to knock it off, but I honestly don't think you can help it.

-You're wrong about me, but I'm not going to waste any more breath telling you so. Just watch and see.

-You're beautiful, intelligent, and fun. You'd probably say you don't believe me, but it's the truth.

-For months, I thought I'd never talk to you again. Now that I have, I don't really see why I didn't before now. Thanks for being my friend again.

-You're in a very precarious position right now. It's almost like a tightrope. Keep your balance, or be miserable; those seem to be your options... that's kind of rough. I wish I knew how to help, but all I can offer is an ear.

-Stop talking about how little you care about the opinions of others, and start trying to live it. You're insecure, and you're taking it out on others without realizing it.

-I miss you a little less every day, but I still miss you.


Each of those is for a different person in my life. Guessing is pointless; you're probably wrong, and I wouldn't tell you even if you were right. Please keep in mind that I'm not writing this to condescend to anyone. Some of these are brutally honest, and they point out flaws in others, but those flaws are ones that I honestly see. Ones I wish I could help them fix, but I don't want to insult them by trying. A couple of them are ones I share! Yes, I am a hypocrite for writing this. But it's been on my mind a lot, so I thought I'd share it.

An unconventional holiday

This year I decided to spend Easter with my friends in Ames instead of going home to my family. I did this for a couple reasons; the first (and most prevalent) is that I don't have very much time left with my friends before we graduate and shoot off in different directions. The second reason was senior design. This is the final week, and we're doing our documentation and tweaking the system before our demonstration on Friday. Everything has to be perfect, and since I've written around 90% of the code our team needed, I have to be here to assist in the testing and modding efforts. By the way, I'm not saying that to make it seem like other members did less; the coding was only about 1/5 of the total work in the project, so it balances out pretty nicely.

Anyway, back to Easter dinner... we started out by going to the store, which took much longer than it probably should have, but we ultimately ended up with a nice little assortment of foods, including chicken legs, sausages, salad, spaghetti, brownies, mashed potatoes and green beans. We tackled the cooking effort on two fronts; Brett and Kassie did the chicken and a couple of the sides at their apartment, while Mike, Nicole, Kelly, Sara and myself went to the "Theta" sorority house to use their (fairly awesome) kitchen. We were in charge of making some sausage stuffing and a Ceasar asparagus dish. The stuffing ended up taking an hour longer than we thought, though, because nobody had bothered to read the recipe past the ingredients list yet. Rookie mistake.

While we were cooking at the Theta house, I got a call from home. Everyone gathered around my mom's phone to yell "happy Easter Ryan" at me in unison. I was pretty touched by that. It's just a shame that I was otherwise occupied with keeping stuff from burning, but it still brought a smile to my face.

After we put stuff in the oven, we played cards for a while. Once everything was cooked we ended up meeting back at Mike and Brett's apartment and finally ate at around 9PM. I ate way too much, and it was amazing. The sausage stuffing that Mike, Kelly and I made turned out really great. That probably has something to do with the fact that we're epic. Even though I enjoy spending time with my family around holidays, I'm glad I stayed here for this one. I'm going to miss all of my college friends a lot when I move, so I'd better make the most of the time I have left with them.

That's all for now. I've got another post in mind, but I'm too tired to write it at the moment, so it'll be the next one. Good night, and Happy Easter to all.

Straightening things out

For those who don't know, I have had a bad back for a long time now, and in the past month it has really gotten painful. In addition to the back pain, my right foot recently started hurting so badly that I was limping for a while. Thinking that they might be related, I decided to go get checked out this week. The chiropractor I went to (Dr. Doug Gunderson in Ames...highly recommend him) says that my spine is leaning slightly to the right, and that he can re-align it.

Well, yesterday I had my first pain-free 3 hours in the past two weeks after a pretty effective visit to the chiropractor. I felt great, so of course I decided to go to the gym; I have been going and working through the back pain for weeks, so it should be even better now, right? Wrong, apparently. While I was doing my first round of lifting, there was a pop in my back, and then there was lots and lots of pain; the worst yet. I decided that going home and popping pills was probably more important than working out.

The moral of this story is, always ask your doctor if you should be working out after any kind of physical adjustment or surgery. I told the doc about the gym incident, and he informed me that lifting is a very bad idea for the next week or two. Lame. Fortunately, I'm not limping at all today, and the pain in my foot is slowly going away, so I may be able to substitute running for lifting pretty soon.

Senior Design is so close to done that we can taste it. I have a meeting today to discuss the final stretch of it. All of my code works really well apparently. Hooray!

Tonight I'm going to go with some people and try the Ames Buffalo Wild Wings out. Tomorrow night is Chris and Brett's birthday party. Wow, is that ever going to be a shitshow. We're going to see if we can get through the keg. We didn't last time, so I guess we'll have to step our game up a little.

The Best Operator Call Ever

Me: Iowa State Operator.
Lady: Hi, what does VEISHEA stand for?
Me: *looks it up with a simple Google search* ... It's an acronym for the colleges that were a part of Iowa State University at the time the celebration was first created. *I list the colleges...*
Lady: Okay, thanks, hey y'all know it's going to be 45 degrees out on Saturday, right?
Me: That's...awful...?
Lady: Naw, actually, I think it's pretty good, because we're bringing our dog. He's a Mahlemuit, and he has a double coat. They're just one step away from wolves. They're the dogs used in the Iditarod, if you know what that is...

[2 minutes telling me about Mahlemuits, with me desperately looking for an opportunity to hang up, or really any way to get a word in edgewise without offending this person, who possibly intends to spend money at VEISHEA]

Me: Well, thanks for that information. Is there anything else I can help you with? (Yes, I realize this was a huge mistake. I actually physically cringed as I finished the sentence.)
Lady: Do you know what time the parade is?
Me: *more googling*...10:30AM.

[1 minute talking about last year's parade.]

Lady: And what time do the booths open? They have some great freebies at some of them if you get there early.
Me: *guessing, because I have already spent far too long on this call* 9:00 AM?
Lady: Perfect, that's when we were gonna get there.

[coworkers are looking at me now from the support area, and laughing]

Lady: You know, last year there was a girl standing around the planned parenthood booth with a shirt that said "Abortion is the equivalent of capital punishment", and she had a sign that said "baby killers" on it.
Me: Uh, wow. Well, people have diverse opinions, and it's definitely well within her rights to protest.
Lady: I told her good job. It is murder.
Me: [getting extremely uncomfortable] And you're certainly entitled to your opinion on that matter.
Lady: What's your view on it?
Me: I can't... uh... I'm not allowed to give my opinion on this line.

[She says one or two more things about abortion and how wrong it is, and I tell her that I have to help someone else now..which is true, a guy has just walked into the Solution Center.]

Lady: Okay, before you go, [NOOOOOOOO] are you playing Tangled for the outdoor movie on Friday night?
What I wish I had said: I'm sorry, you used all the time I would have normally spent answering that question going off on random tangents.
What I was obligated by policy to say: There's an outdoor movie on Thursday night, and it's The Green Hornet.
Lady: What's that about?
What I should have said: Do you OWN a computer?! Have access to one, even?
What I did say: It's kind of a superhero movie.
Lady: Do you know if that's appropriate for children?
What I might have said if I didn't care about the university's reputation: Nope. There's boobs, blood and guts everywhere. And gratuitous amounts of drug use. And every other word is an F-bomb.
What I did say: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lady: Alright then... thanks.
Me: Have a nice night! *click*

:|




Also...

For anyone who is curious after reading this, I am tentatively pro-choice, although I think that adoption is almost always a better option. I would never agree to the abortion of a child I helped conceive, but I don't think it's within my rights to "save people from themselves" by preventing anyone else from getting one. In other words, I think they are to be avoided, but not banned completely.

The Dillinger Escape Plan...

...are my heroes. That band is as amazing live as they are in their albums. Their musical ability is second to none that I've seen, and I've seen some pretty ridiculously talented bands.

My favorite band member is Greg Puciato, their lead singer. He really knows how to put on a high-energy, intense, and yet very warm and friendly show. He gets the crowd involved a lot. He's always right at the front of the stage, clasping hands, giving mic taps, interacting in any way he can. He doesn't so much sing TO his audience; he sings WITH them. At one point, he even jumped off the stage into the pit and gave everyone an opportunity to sing along. He basically became part of the pit for a while. It was really awesome.

Their instrumental parts are insanely complex, and generally seem impossible to play even in ideal conditions, but they manage to pull it off while flipping their guitars around, running all over the stage, jumping around, screaming the lyrics along with Greg... It's truly a sight to behold.

I managed to get a few pictures around the start of their set. I didn't get any really good ones, because I was right by the stage and the pit for most of the show, so I didn't want to take my phone out for fear it'd get knocked out of my hands. Anyway, I'll be able to remember that show without too many pictures I think.

Yet another monday morning...

Everything has a beginning and an end. We can't be afraid to start something just because it will eventually end, or nobody would ever get anywhere in life. Sometimes you end up in a familiar place after taking a chance, and sometimes that's not the most pleasant place to be. Last night I ended up somewhere that I've been several times over the past year: sitting in my room a little drunk, staring at the floor, and wondering if the good which came from my choices outweighed the pain they brought. It can be a really difficult question to answer, but the answer is "yes" this time. Fortunately, almost every time I've had to ask myself that question, I was able to answer similarly. Whenever I find that isn't true, I know that I'm not living the way I should.

I was dating someone for a while recently, someone who I ended up getting closer to than I originally intended. I told myself that we could just go out, have fun, and not really form an attachment since I'm leaving soon. I can't really control affection very well, though; it's one of my greatest flaws. Sarina was stronger than I was in this instance; despite feeling the same about me as I did about her, she was able to make a rational decision not to keep seeing me. She decided that it wasn't worth it to her to build our connection any further knowing that it was just going to be severed when I left. I know that it was the right choice for her, and I'm glad she made it. Maybe it was the right outcome for both of us, but I don't think I would have chosen to stop hanging out with her until I had to.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I can't forge more new connections with people here, because I'll be gone before they ever develop into anything meaningful. I can't go back to Omaha yet, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to; I want to spend as much time with my friends here as possible. When I get there, though, I wonder if this feeling of being between phases of my life will change. I have to assume it will, but I wish there was some guarantee.

Despite the "voice" I'm using in this post, I'm really not too down. On the contrary, I am still pretty content with life. I really need to stop staying up so late on Sunday nights, though. Last night I went to Welch Ave. Station with Mike, Kelly and Bauer... Seemed like a great idea at the time, but I am even more tired than usual this morning. Not only did I stay out until 2:30AM, but I drank as well. Still made it to work by 7:05, though! I think I deserve a medal or something. The "Award for Overcoming One's Own Stupidity" seems like an appropriate name for such a prize. I can't wait to go home and sleep. Normally that's impossible for me during the day, but I have a feeling I might just pull it off this time!

"Forever" and now

Last night, as usual, I decided not to go to sleep until 1:30AM when I had to get up for work at 6:30. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that I haven't gotten much sleep for the past 3 days, so I am actually feeling the effects this morning. I apologize in advance for the following nonsensical rant.

Forever is an extremely long time, particularly when talking about a friendship, or any relationship with another person. Even "a lifetime" is pushing it in many cases. Many of us hope for that life-long bond with people we care about, but it's not always possible. The fact is, no matter how much a person wants another person in their life, sometimes it simply doesn't pan out. Look out to the horizon too much, and you might miss what's happening right under your feet. Suddenly, you and that other person find yourselves staring across an expanse of water, standing on two halves of a once-whole ice patch. In the best case, you can each manage to close the distance a little and remain in the other's life. In the worst cases, you try for a long time to repair what's broken, but you are eventually forced to conclude that no amount of paddling will ever bring you close again. It's happened to me (and everyone) numerous times, and that is incredibly annoying to me; I hate losing people. Thinking about "forever" only seems to make it worse; you miss some of the precious little time you have together, because you're thinking about things that haven't happened yet, and may not ever happen. Planning for the future is a good idea, thinking about the future can be fun, but you had better make sure you're good and ready before investing in it emotionally.

I'd rather live now than have my thoughts trapped in eternity. There has to be a balance, of course; you can't just ignore your future, or you may not have one. I've been doing a good job of living in the present, and keeping the future in its place: hoping for a good one, making the necessary plans and preparations to create a good one, but not worrying myself sick about what might go wrong. I think it's contributed a lot to my happiness. Lately, whether I'm in class, at work, with friends, on a date, anywhere; wherever I am, there I am. I really love it. I went through a long phase where it seemed like all I could think about was the future. I got fairly obsessed. If I had to sum it up in a single word, that word would be "stressful". Even though I'll never get back the moments I missed during that time, I find it pretty hard to lament them; the present is just too good.

In closing, if anything here didn't make sense, was poorly-worded, was improperly punctuated or any other such complaint, just chalk it up to sleep deprivation. Next time I'll be better-rested, and I'll have to come up with another excuse!

The difference a week can make

It's surprisingly huge. I went back to Omaha and stayed with my dad for a few days because everyone at mom's house was sick. I don't spend a whole lot of time with my dad, so it was nice to hang out with him for an extended period of time. During the first part of the week most of my time was spent looking at apartments and cars, because my goal for the break was to get the material aspects of my life figured out for when I move back. The first apartments I looked at were ridiculously expensive ones with tons of amenities, fancy restaurants and nice gyms nearby. I realized that I really can't justify spending $850 on rent every month. I just don't need a place that nice. Maybe I want one, but I feel like I can get by with a cheaper option. After all, I don't want to live in an apartment for more than a few years; I'll be saving up money for a down payment on a house. I found a place that's about 2 miles from work which should do just fine, and it's a little more reasonably priced.

I went to a Chevy dealership and test drove a couple of trucks. The Chevy Silverado extended cab is definitely my favorite. I also went out to a Subaru dealership and tried an Impreza. I like the Impreza, but the only way I'd buy one is if I wanted to buy a turbocharger and a cold air intake to throw in it. The side of me that loves hobbies thinks that putting aftermarket parts in my car would be really fun, but the Subaru doesn't get very good gas mileage. I've concluded that although what I really want is a truck, I would be better served waiting a couple years and buying a smaller car in the meantime. I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing A LOT of traveling, so it would be good to have a car that gets more than 30 MPG. I'm a pretty huge fan of the Chevy Cruze, and I intend to test drive one next time I'm back.

My grandparents made it home safely from Hawaii, though they just barely missed getting hit by a tsunami spawned by the quake in Japan. They left their hotel literally a half hour before the landfall. When they got back down to the town the next morning, it was a real mess. Streets covered in debris, seawall broken, buildings damaged, some extremely seriously. I'm really glad they got out when they did. They brought me back a little souvenir ukulele, and I have to say I'm really touched. I learned how to play the chords to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", and I'm having a great time with it thus far. This little gift has reminded me how important music is to my life. For the past couple weeks, I've been virtually ignoring that aspect of myself, and I think it was a terrible mistake. I've decided to go back to playing every day, because no matter how awful I feel, strumming a few chords and humming a song never fails to put a smile on my face.

I got to see all those friends I hardly ever get to hang out with, and as always it was a good time. Wednesday night I went down to Peru, NE to visit Inori and Lynzei, too. That was pretty fun! Now I'm back in Ames, and I'm glad to say that I'm feeling really motivated, and in a really good mood. I don't have it all figured out, but I have enough that I can feel comfortable, and I'm excited to see how all of this decision making pans out. Regardless of what I plan out, there's always a pretty good chance that I'll just change my mind at the very last second, so it should be pretty interesting. You might ask, if I'm just going to change my mind, then why make plans at all? It's really just so that I know I have a fallback. At the moments that I have to actually make these decisions about where to live, what to drive, how to spend my time, if I'm not feeling impulsive then I'll have my well-reasoned options already chosen.

So, what difference can a week make? You can spend time with people you don't get enough time with (and make new friends along the way). You can take a look into your future, and mold it into what you want it to be. You can fix your priorities, and become much more content with life in the process.

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My heart goes out to everyone in Japan, and all those with family and friends there. I'll be hoping and praying for their safety, and the nation's recovery.

Update

So, admittedly, that poem I posted before this was pretty emo, and not really characteristic of me. What can I say, it's been a rough few days. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in recent memory that I didn't act like myself. The reason I made it a public post is because I did manage to throw in a couple redeeming turns of phrase among all the over-dramatic crap.

Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.

Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.

To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.

As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.

What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.

This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.

-Ryan

Untitled freeverse

The cracked concrete drank the heat
from his back as he leaned and listened.
Staring blankly at the street,
all he heard was relentless whispers:
snowflakes rustled on the ground,
and the whole world glistened.
He saw no beauty in the night;
he closed his eyes, and shivered.
Curious how even crumbling cement
was so much stronger than he.
"What am I really?", he wondered.
He was reminded of a metaphor,
but 'dust in the wind' seemed generous;
those who are moved are the lucky ones among us.
The rest are more like sand.
They creep along the ground, and watch
as those they aspire to be fly by:
those few who are given wings
by the passing breeze of the infinite hand.
He was just a clumsy grain,
watching them all fly away
devoid of tears to cry,
and out of words to pray.
And so he simply stood and listened,
waiting for a better day.

Here I sit

...at 3:10AM on a Tuesday morning watching the creator of my favorite webcomic (Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques) draw tomorrow's strip on a livestream. I really wish I had found out about this stream before tonight; it's so awesome. That's not all I'm posting about, don't worry.

I'm back at school for my final semester, but part of me just wants it to be over with already. I got hired for a full-time position in OPPD's EMS department. I'll be living in Omaha after I'm done with college, and I think I'll be pretty content with my living situation. Getting a job was a major concern, and that was one of the first ones on my list; needless to say I am thrilled. My only real concerns in life right now are as follows:

1) We need to get Senior Design done before I can start "living the dream", and
2) I am worried about being further away from people I'd much rather be near once the semester ends.

I feel like I can probably handle both of those issues (and any others that might arise). A major part of my life has snapped into place, so I suppose the other pieces of the puzzle will inevitably fly around chaotically and try to find their spot in the new scheme, possibly hitting me in the process. I'll just have to be ready to duck.

RANDOM TANGENT: I'm really enjoying having my desktop computer working (finally). The issue of it ended up being a bad Windows install disk coupled with an incompatibility with an older version of Windows. No hardware issues at all, though sometimes it decides to shut itself down suddenly when I am downloading something. It doesn't happen often enough for me to actually want to reformat though, so I guess I'll deal with it for now.

I just jumped into a spirited discussion on the livestream chat about old TV shows from when I was 10, and as a result forgot what I was going to talk about next. I think I'll go put away laundry and go to sleep once Jeph posts this strip. I think he's about done. Goodnight and stuff.

A flash

I could write a lot of boring stuff here about the past week or two, but I think I'll keep it brief and relatively superficial instead. I moved back to Ames, and I've spent the past week or so getting settled in and relaxing a bit. My semester looks pretty good. It's definitely going to be a little easier than I initially thought it would... but I thought it was going to be hell, so really it's not so far-fetched if it's easier than expected.

My classes are all 10AM or later (Tuesday and Thursday I start at 12:40PM... WOO!) so I get to stay up pretty late every night. This is obviously a good thing, since I'm usually awake whether I want to be or not.

As soon as I got back, I started hanging out with friends that I hadn't seen in far too long. This week I've gotten drunk a couple times with my friend Chris, and played some StarCraft II with him in our spare time. Another friend of ours, Stinn, came back to town the other day, so we all went to Welch Ave and drank with him. That was pretty fun. Got to meet some new people, and made a late-night trip to Perkins. I also saw my friend Emily for the first time in a very long time today, ate Panera and tried gelato (which I'd never had before). That was tons of fun!

What else?... I'm grouping with Mike G. for senior design. For anyone who doesn't know, Mike and I have worked together in several classes, so we're used to it, and we are a pretty awesome team. I am anticipating a pretty good outcome to the project. We still haven't been assigned one, but we're hoping for something to do with embedded systems or possibly virtual reality.

I applied for a full-time position at Omaha Public Power District this week. It's for an EMS engineering position that opened up this past year. I'm not quite ready to commit to a company yet, but it would have been foolish and short-sighted to pass up the opportunity to apply for it, and I like to pretend I'm neither of those things... just for fun though, I know I'm not fooling anyone.

I think that's all the major stuff that's happened this past week. It ended up being longer than I intended, even though I spared most of the minor details and occurrences.

A few random thoughts:

-Dexter is a great show and I wish I had known about it sooner. (Thanks, Chris)
-You know that you've come a long way as a person when someone goes right for the throat in a discussion and tries to hurt you, and you just laugh at them. (This happened recently, and yes I did laugh. Apparently that particular hole in my armor has been patched up. Better luck next time)
-Where has gelato been all my life? Seriously, how had I not tried that stuff before?

I guess that's it for now! Bye.