Everything has a beginning and an end. We can't be afraid to start something just because it will eventually end, or nobody would ever get anywhere in life. Sometimes you end up in a familiar place after taking a chance, and sometimes that's not the most pleasant place to be. Last night I ended up somewhere that I've been several times over the past year: sitting in my room a little drunk, staring at the floor, and wondering if the good which came from my choices outweighed the pain they brought. It can be a really difficult question to answer, but the answer is "yes" this time. Fortunately, almost every time I've had to ask myself that question, I was able to answer similarly. Whenever I find that isn't true, I know that I'm not living the way I should.
I was dating someone for a while recently, someone who I ended up getting closer to than I originally intended. I told myself that we could just go out, have fun, and not really form an attachment since I'm leaving soon. I can't really control affection very well, though; it's one of my greatest flaws. Sarina was stronger than I was in this instance; despite feeling the same about me as I did about her, she was able to make a rational decision not to keep seeing me. She decided that it wasn't worth it to her to build our connection any further knowing that it was just going to be severed when I left. I know that it was the right choice for her, and I'm glad she made it. Maybe it was the right outcome for both of us, but I don't think I would have chosen to stop hanging out with her until I had to.
I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I can't forge more new connections with people here, because I'll be gone before they ever develop into anything meaningful. I can't go back to Omaha yet, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to; I want to spend as much time with my friends here as possible. When I get there, though, I wonder if this feeling of being between phases of my life will change. I have to assume it will, but I wish there was some guarantee.
Despite the "voice" I'm using in this post, I'm really not too down. On the contrary, I am still pretty content with life. I really need to stop staying up so late on Sunday nights, though. Last night I went to Welch Ave. Station with Mike, Kelly and Bauer... Seemed like a great idea at the time, but I am even more tired than usual this morning. Not only did I stay out until 2:30AM, but I drank as well. Still made it to work by 7:05, though! I think I deserve a medal or something. The "Award for Overcoming One's Own Stupidity" seems like an appropriate name for such a prize. I can't wait to go home and sleep. Normally that's impossible for me during the day, but I have a feeling I might just pull it off this time!
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