As promised, here's a post that I've been giving a lot of thought to for the past month or so...
As my college career comes to a close, I've been thinking about all the things I've done right and wrong. I've also been considering situations where I may have been able to help myself and/or others more than I did. Sometimes, though, it's not possible to help someone without hurting yourself or someone else, and so you decide silence is the best option. This inevitably leads me to think about things I wish I could say to people, but which would only make situations awkward, or worsen an already-bad one if I spoke up. In some cases, I just don't think they'd listen to me, or that they shouldn't have to. Here are some of the things that I wish I could say, but can't for those reasons:
-You have to try to be more accommodating. You can't have your way all the time.
-Loosen up a bit and enjoy life more. Think how much of your short time on the planet you've wasted being annoyed or stressed.
-Getting pissed about problems does not solve them. Don't go any further down that road. I've dealt with anger issues before in my life, and it's all about self-control.
-I'm afraid that we're not going to be friends anymore once I move.
-You confuse me a lot. I'd tell you to knock it off, but I honestly don't think you can help it.
-You're wrong about me, but I'm not going to waste any more breath telling you so. Just watch and see.
-You're beautiful, intelligent, and fun. You'd probably say you don't believe me, but it's the truth.
-For months, I thought I'd never talk to you again. Now that I have, I don't really see why I didn't before now. Thanks for being my friend again.
-You're in a very precarious position right now. It's almost like a tightrope. Keep your balance, or be miserable; those seem to be your options... that's kind of rough. I wish I knew how to help, but all I can offer is an ear.
-Stop talking about how little you care about the opinions of others, and start trying to live it. You're insecure, and you're taking it out on others without realizing it.
-I miss you a little less every day, but I still miss you.
Each of those is for a different person in my life. Guessing is pointless; you're probably wrong, and I wouldn't tell you even if you were right. Please keep in mind that I'm not writing this to condescend to anyone. Some of these are brutally honest, and they point out flaws in others, but those flaws are ones that I honestly see. Ones I wish I could help them fix, but I don't want to insult them by trying. A couple of them are ones I share! Yes, I am a hypocrite for writing this. But it's been on my mind a lot, so I thought I'd share it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
An unconventional holiday
This year I decided to spend Easter with my friends in Ames instead of going home to my family. I did this for a couple reasons; the first (and most prevalent) is that I don't have very much time left with my friends before we graduate and shoot off in different directions. The second reason was senior design. This is the final week, and we're doing our documentation and tweaking the system before our demonstration on Friday. Everything has to be perfect, and since I've written around 90% of the code our team needed, I have to be here to assist in the testing and modding efforts. By the way, I'm not saying that to make it seem like other members did less; the coding was only about 1/5 of the total work in the project, so it balances out pretty nicely.
Anyway, back to Easter dinner... we started out by going to the store, which took much longer than it probably should have, but we ultimately ended up with a nice little assortment of foods, including chicken legs, sausages, salad, spaghetti, brownies, mashed potatoes and green beans. We tackled the cooking effort on two fronts; Brett and Kassie did the chicken and a couple of the sides at their apartment, while Mike, Nicole, Kelly, Sara and myself went to the "Theta" sorority house to use their (fairly awesome) kitchen. We were in charge of making some sausage stuffing and a Ceasar asparagus dish. The stuffing ended up taking an hour longer than we thought, though, because nobody had bothered to read the recipe past the ingredients list yet. Rookie mistake.
While we were cooking at the Theta house, I got a call from home. Everyone gathered around my mom's phone to yell "happy Easter Ryan" at me in unison. I was pretty touched by that. It's just a shame that I was otherwise occupied with keeping stuff from burning, but it still brought a smile to my face.
After we put stuff in the oven, we played cards for a while. Once everything was cooked we ended up meeting back at Mike and Brett's apartment and finally ate at around 9PM. I ate way too much, and it was amazing. The sausage stuffing that Mike, Kelly and I made turned out really great. That probably has something to do with the fact that we're epic. Even though I enjoy spending time with my family around holidays, I'm glad I stayed here for this one. I'm going to miss all of my college friends a lot when I move, so I'd better make the most of the time I have left with them.
That's all for now. I've got another post in mind, but I'm too tired to write it at the moment, so it'll be the next one. Good night, and Happy Easter to all.
Anyway, back to Easter dinner... we started out by going to the store, which took much longer than it probably should have, but we ultimately ended up with a nice little assortment of foods, including chicken legs, sausages, salad, spaghetti, brownies, mashed potatoes and green beans. We tackled the cooking effort on two fronts; Brett and Kassie did the chicken and a couple of the sides at their apartment, while Mike, Nicole, Kelly, Sara and myself went to the "Theta" sorority house to use their (fairly awesome) kitchen. We were in charge of making some sausage stuffing and a Ceasar asparagus dish. The stuffing ended up taking an hour longer than we thought, though, because nobody had bothered to read the recipe past the ingredients list yet. Rookie mistake.
While we were cooking at the Theta house, I got a call from home. Everyone gathered around my mom's phone to yell "happy Easter Ryan" at me in unison. I was pretty touched by that. It's just a shame that I was otherwise occupied with keeping stuff from burning, but it still brought a smile to my face.
After we put stuff in the oven, we played cards for a while. Once everything was cooked we ended up meeting back at Mike and Brett's apartment and finally ate at around 9PM. I ate way too much, and it was amazing. The sausage stuffing that Mike, Kelly and I made turned out really great. That probably has something to do with the fact that we're epic. Even though I enjoy spending time with my family around holidays, I'm glad I stayed here for this one. I'm going to miss all of my college friends a lot when I move, so I'd better make the most of the time I have left with them.
That's all for now. I've got another post in mind, but I'm too tired to write it at the moment, so it'll be the next one. Good night, and Happy Easter to all.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Straightening things out
For those who don't know, I have had a bad back for a long time now, and in the past month it has really gotten painful. In addition to the back pain, my right foot recently started hurting so badly that I was limping for a while. Thinking that they might be related, I decided to go get checked out this week. The chiropractor I went to (Dr. Doug Gunderson in Ames...highly recommend him) says that my spine is leaning slightly to the right, and that he can re-align it.
Well, yesterday I had my first pain-free 3 hours in the past two weeks after a pretty effective visit to the chiropractor. I felt great, so of course I decided to go to the gym; I have been going and working through the back pain for weeks, so it should be even better now, right? Wrong, apparently. While I was doing my first round of lifting, there was a pop in my back, and then there was lots and lots of pain; the worst yet. I decided that going home and popping pills was probably more important than working out.
The moral of this story is, always ask your doctor if you should be working out after any kind of physical adjustment or surgery. I told the doc about the gym incident, and he informed me that lifting is a very bad idea for the next week or two. Lame. Fortunately, I'm not limping at all today, and the pain in my foot is slowly going away, so I may be able to substitute running for lifting pretty soon.
Senior Design is so close to done that we can taste it. I have a meeting today to discuss the final stretch of it. All of my code works really well apparently. Hooray!
Tonight I'm going to go with some people and try the Ames Buffalo Wild Wings out. Tomorrow night is Chris and Brett's birthday party. Wow, is that ever going to be a shitshow. We're going to see if we can get through the keg. We didn't last time, so I guess we'll have to step our game up a little.
Well, yesterday I had my first pain-free 3 hours in the past two weeks after a pretty effective visit to the chiropractor. I felt great, so of course I decided to go to the gym; I have been going and working through the back pain for weeks, so it should be even better now, right? Wrong, apparently. While I was doing my first round of lifting, there was a pop in my back, and then there was lots and lots of pain; the worst yet. I decided that going home and popping pills was probably more important than working out.
The moral of this story is, always ask your doctor if you should be working out after any kind of physical adjustment or surgery. I told the doc about the gym incident, and he informed me that lifting is a very bad idea for the next week or two. Lame. Fortunately, I'm not limping at all today, and the pain in my foot is slowly going away, so I may be able to substitute running for lifting pretty soon.
Senior Design is so close to done that we can taste it. I have a meeting today to discuss the final stretch of it. All of my code works really well apparently. Hooray!
Tonight I'm going to go with some people and try the Ames Buffalo Wild Wings out. Tomorrow night is Chris and Brett's birthday party. Wow, is that ever going to be a shitshow. We're going to see if we can get through the keg. We didn't last time, so I guess we'll have to step our game up a little.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What I learned this morning
1) I put 55% of my weight on my left foot.
2) Getting my neck cracked is a little scary.
3) I look really funny grocery shopping. I got laughed at twice, once while trying for around a minute to decide which brand of cheese to buy, and the second time because I grabbed way too much fruit, then realized it and put it back (it was in a bag, so I didn't actually touch all of it). I don't feel too bad, though, because this is the first time I've bought more than one day's worth of food in a single grocery store trip. Practice makes perfect.
Also, Mother Nature needs to lighten up a little bit. I know this is Iowa and all, but freezing rain should really stop after March.
2) Getting my neck cracked is a little scary.
3) I look really funny grocery shopping. I got laughed at twice, once while trying for around a minute to decide which brand of cheese to buy, and the second time because I grabbed way too much fruit, then realized it and put it back (it was in a bag, so I didn't actually touch all of it). I don't feel too bad, though, because this is the first time I've bought more than one day's worth of food in a single grocery store trip. Practice makes perfect.
Also, Mother Nature needs to lighten up a little bit. I know this is Iowa and all, but freezing rain should really stop after March.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
My VEISHEA
The following are random pieces of my weekend. Some are significant, others are just passing feelings or thoughts. They are not in chronological order, or really any order at all. I don't see any need to describe it in a deeper or more sensible way. This is how it was:
Pool and pancakes.
Beer. Lots of it.
Shortest hangover ever.
Uncertainty.
Music.
Beer pong.
"Good things or bad things?" "Good things. Really good things." "...I believe you!"
Driving that goes nowhere, conversation that goes everywhere.
Eric is the "Smoke Bubble Godfather". Anyone who says otherwise gets whacked.
You slept in. I win.
Brett needs 3 scopes because of how gangsta he is. 270 degrees of rotation.
VEISHEA food. I should have gotten "The Grinder", but the meatball wasn't bad.
Mike and I are "the muscle".
Thinking about the future.
Friends.
"I missed you so much..."
An end that had to come.
Again, none of these little snippets are in any particular order. I feel... bittersweet. If I could rewind to Thursday at 7PM and relive everything up to Saturday at 10AM, then I would spend quite a while doing so.
Pool and pancakes.
Beer. Lots of it.
Shortest hangover ever.
Uncertainty.
Music.
Beer pong.
"Good things or bad things?" "Good things. Really good things." "...I believe you!"
Driving that goes nowhere, conversation that goes everywhere.
Eric is the "Smoke Bubble Godfather". Anyone who says otherwise gets whacked.
You slept in. I win.
Brett needs 3 scopes because of how gangsta he is. 270 degrees of rotation.
VEISHEA food. I should have gotten "The Grinder", but the meatball wasn't bad.
Mike and I are "the muscle".
Thinking about the future.
Friends.
"I missed you so much..."
An end that had to come.
Again, none of these little snippets are in any particular order. I feel... bittersweet. If I could rewind to Thursday at 7PM and relive everything up to Saturday at 10AM, then I would spend quite a while doing so.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Best Operator Call Ever
Me: Iowa State Operator.
Lady: Hi, what does VEISHEA stand for?
Me: *looks it up with a simple Google search* ... It's an acronym for the colleges that were a part of Iowa State University at the time the celebration was first created. *I list the colleges...*
Lady: Okay, thanks, hey y'all know it's going to be 45 degrees out on Saturday, right?
Me: That's...awful...?
Lady: Naw, actually, I think it's pretty good, because we're bringing our dog. He's a Mahlemuit, and he has a double coat. They're just one step away from wolves. They're the dogs used in the Iditarod, if you know what that is...
[2 minutes telling me about Mahlemuits, with me desperately looking for an opportunity to hang up, or really any way to get a word in edgewise without offending this person, who possibly intends to spend money at VEISHEA]
Me: Well, thanks for that information. Is there anything else I can help you with? (Yes, I realize this was a huge mistake. I actually physically cringed as I finished the sentence.)
Lady: Do you know what time the parade is?
Me: *more googling*...10:30AM.
[1 minute talking about last year's parade.]
Lady: And what time do the booths open? They have some great freebies at some of them if you get there early.
Me: *guessing, because I have already spent far too long on this call* 9:00 AM?
Lady: Perfect, that's when we were gonna get there.
[coworkers are looking at me now from the support area, and laughing]
Lady: You know, last year there was a girl standing around the planned parenthood booth with a shirt that said "Abortion is the equivalent of capital punishment", and she had a sign that said "baby killers" on it.
Me: Uh, wow. Well, people have diverse opinions, and it's definitely well within her rights to protest.
Lady: I told her good job. It is murder.
Me: [getting extremely uncomfortable] And you're certainly entitled to your opinion on that matter.
Lady: What's your view on it?
Me: I can't... uh... I'm not allowed to give my opinion on this line.
[She says one or two more things about abortion and how wrong it is, and I tell her that I have to help someone else now..which is true, a guy has just walked into the Solution Center.]
Lady: Okay, before you go, [NOOOOOOOO] are you playing Tangled for the outdoor movie on Friday night?
What I wish I had said: I'm sorry, you used all the time I would have normally spent answering that question going off on random tangents.
What I was obligated by policy to say: There's an outdoor movie on Thursday night, and it's The Green Hornet.
Lady: What's that about?
What I should have said: Do you OWN a computer?! Have access to one, even?
What I did say: It's kind of a superhero movie.
Lady: Do you know if that's appropriate for children?
What I might have said if I didn't care about the university's reputation: Nope. There's boobs, blood and guts everywhere. And gratuitous amounts of drug use. And every other word is an F-bomb.
What I did say: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lady: Alright then... thanks.
Me: Have a nice night! *click*
:|
Also...
For anyone who is curious after reading this, I am tentatively pro-choice, although I think that adoption is almost always a better option. I would never agree to the abortion of a child I helped conceive, but I don't think it's within my rights to "save people from themselves" by preventing anyone else from getting one. In other words, I think they are to be avoided, but not banned completely.
Lady: Hi, what does VEISHEA stand for?
Me: *looks it up with a simple Google search* ... It's an acronym for the colleges that were a part of Iowa State University at the time the celebration was first created. *I list the colleges...*
Lady: Okay, thanks, hey y'all know it's going to be 45 degrees out on Saturday, right?
Me: That's...awful...?
Lady: Naw, actually, I think it's pretty good, because we're bringing our dog. He's a Mahlemuit, and he has a double coat. They're just one step away from wolves. They're the dogs used in the Iditarod, if you know what that is...
[2 minutes telling me about Mahlemuits, with me desperately looking for an opportunity to hang up, or really any way to get a word in edgewise without offending this person, who possibly intends to spend money at VEISHEA]
Me: Well, thanks for that information. Is there anything else I can help you with? (Yes, I realize this was a huge mistake. I actually physically cringed as I finished the sentence.)
Lady: Do you know what time the parade is?
Me: *more googling*...10:30AM.
[1 minute talking about last year's parade.]
Lady: And what time do the booths open? They have some great freebies at some of them if you get there early.
Me: *guessing, because I have already spent far too long on this call* 9:00 AM?
Lady: Perfect, that's when we were gonna get there.
[coworkers are looking at me now from the support area, and laughing]
Lady: You know, last year there was a girl standing around the planned parenthood booth with a shirt that said "Abortion is the equivalent of capital punishment", and she had a sign that said "baby killers" on it.
Me: Uh, wow. Well, people have diverse opinions, and it's definitely well within her rights to protest.
Lady: I told her good job. It is murder.
Me: [getting extremely uncomfortable] And you're certainly entitled to your opinion on that matter.
Lady: What's your view on it?
Me: I can't... uh... I'm not allowed to give my opinion on this line.
[She says one or two more things about abortion and how wrong it is, and I tell her that I have to help someone else now..which is true, a guy has just walked into the Solution Center.]
Lady: Okay, before you go, [NOOOOOOOO] are you playing Tangled for the outdoor movie on Friday night?
What I wish I had said: I'm sorry, you used all the time I would have normally spent answering that question going off on random tangents.
What I was obligated by policy to say: There's an outdoor movie on Thursday night, and it's The Green Hornet.
Lady: What's that about?
What I should have said: Do you OWN a computer?! Have access to one, even?
What I did say: It's kind of a superhero movie.
Lady: Do you know if that's appropriate for children?
What I might have said if I didn't care about the university's reputation: Nope. There's boobs, blood and guts everywhere. And gratuitous amounts of drug use. And every other word is an F-bomb.
What I did say: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lady: Alright then... thanks.
Me: Have a nice night! *click*
:|
Also...
For anyone who is curious after reading this, I am tentatively pro-choice, although I think that adoption is almost always a better option. I would never agree to the abortion of a child I helped conceive, but I don't think it's within my rights to "save people from themselves" by preventing anyone else from getting one. In other words, I think they are to be avoided, but not banned completely.
Monday, April 11, 2011
There is no title I like enough to commit to.
Just a few idle words;
nothing complex,
nothing meaningful.
They're enough to affirm
my existence in your eyes;
they're beautiful.
Here it goes again,
I feel I'm falling away
from blue skies, cold for a spring day.
But there's nothing I can do,
nothing more to say;
I have nothing left for you.
We were both meant to walk away.
I can't help but wish
I'd looked in the right place,
if only for a glimpse of your face.
But sadly, I just passed you by
with music in my ears,
and my thoughts trapped in the sky.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's poem is brought to you by boredom at work, the letter "E" and the number −1.602×10^(−19). Today's closing thought is brought to you by Sesame Street.
Edit: The back story to this is fairly simple, so I may as well post it. I passed someone I like a lot while running the other day, she texted me later saying she had seen me, and part of me wished I'd seen her so I could stop to talk. There's kind of a constant war going on in my head these days, between my desire to build connections and my instinct telling me to keep my distance since I'm leaving soon.
nothing complex,
nothing meaningful.
They're enough to affirm
my existence in your eyes;
they're beautiful.
Here it goes again,
I feel I'm falling away
from blue skies, cold for a spring day.
But there's nothing I can do,
nothing more to say;
I have nothing left for you.
We were both meant to walk away.
I can't help but wish
I'd looked in the right place,
if only for a glimpse of your face.
But sadly, I just passed you by
with music in my ears,
and my thoughts trapped in the sky.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's poem is brought to you by boredom at work, the letter "E" and the number −1.602×10^(−19). Today's closing thought is brought to you by Sesame Street.
Edit: The back story to this is fairly simple, so I may as well post it. I passed someone I like a lot while running the other day, she texted me later saying she had seen me, and part of me wished I'd seen her so I could stop to talk. There's kind of a constant war going on in my head these days, between my desire to build connections and my instinct telling me to keep my distance since I'm leaving soon.
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