There are several reasons for this.
1) Next weekend I get to go visit my friend Inori. Good times will be had.
2) Over spring break I get to test drive cars. I can't even describe how great it will be to get rid of mine. Don't get me wrong, it's a good car, but it's really hard to start, the sound system sucks, and the suspension is kind of shaky to say the least.
3) In April, Periphery is releasing a new album. I have heard a few raw clips that Misha Mansoor posted on his soundclick, and it sounds like it's going to be RIDICULOUSLY good.
4) Also in April, some friends and I are taking a road trip down to Dallas for the MLG Pro Circuit, where Brett will be competing in SC2 and Jon will be competing in Halo: Reach. The rest of us will undoubtedly spend most of our time cheering for said competitors, being huge nerds, and hopefully hitting the bars pretty hard!
AN...
TI.. CI?
PATION!!!!
It's killing me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day, whoever!
Happy Commercializing Love Day! Or Singles Awareness Day. Whatever you prefer. Not a fan of the holiday, but the "happy" wish is totally sincere, I assure you!
So I was looking through my draft posts and... I am one weird dude. I get all "philosophical" in some posts, and then get self-conscious about them and "save as draft". I happened upon one about purpose, and one about selfishness. Here's the Spark Notes for each:
What I think of purpose...
I think that everyone is born with potential for multiple purposes they can fulfill. In order not to encroach on free will, the universe was designed such that people can have many roles (and tend to have diverse talents usually). The people who are the least happy in the world tend to be those who deviate from their given set of "optimal" paths through life. That is not to say that one can't be happy straying from the beaten path; I'm saying that those who are unhappy with their careers or feel that their life lacks meaning are probably among those who did. I definitely did, and I'm kind of hoping that I don't end up as one of those unfortunate people I just described.
What I think of selfishness...
A while back I had a conversation about selfishness with a really sharp friend of mine, Inori. She's of the opinion that there are two different types of selfishness: malicious selfishness and necessary selfishness. I completely agree, and I'll try to lay out what we concluded. The malicious type is essentially selfishness for its own sake. You take from others and give nothing in return, even if you have the ability to help those in need. Malicious selfishness is truly awful, and I believe it's next to impossible for anyone with a conscience or a decent moral compass to be guilty of it. Necessary selfishness, on the other hand, is neither easy to define, nor morally reprehensible. An act of necessary selfishness might be done in the interest of self-preservation, or the preservation of those closest to a person. If there is a bus accident and your family is on the bus, you will help them before helping other passengers. Some might call this simple logic, but it is an act of bias, and a completely understandable and necessary one. If a man is starving and refuses to give some food he finds to another starving man who asks for it, that is necessary selfishness. He's doing what it takes to survive. I'm not saying Aladdin was wrong; giving his food to those kids was a really nice gesture, and admirable, but you won't last long actually living in the streets if you get into habits like that. Selflessness is for the privileged; it's for those who have so much that they can give part of what they have away and still live their lives happily. By the way, thanks to Ino for that interesting conversation. I'm sure I left a few of your key points out, and I apologize. Feel free to correct me.
Enough of that. What else do I want to talk about? I'm learning to play Terran in Starcraft II. So far all I know how to do is 3racks and do some rudimentary Hellion play. I'll eventually be learning builds from Brett (who's a Master League Terran as of this past friday), so I'm sure I'll hit diamond over the summer.
Still plugging away at guitar, I really want some lessons. Probably going to start those up over the summer as well.
Over spring break I'm going to be shopping for cars and places to live, so that'll be fun. Til then, pretty much just doing senior design, exploring some extracurricular stuff that I've been wanting to do, and "snapping nerd necks" on SC2 as my friend Bauer would say.
So I was looking through my draft posts and... I am one weird dude. I get all "philosophical" in some posts, and then get self-conscious about them and "save as draft". I happened upon one about purpose, and one about selfishness. Here's the Spark Notes for each:
What I think of purpose...
I think that everyone is born with potential for multiple purposes they can fulfill. In order not to encroach on free will, the universe was designed such that people can have many roles (and tend to have diverse talents usually). The people who are the least happy in the world tend to be those who deviate from their given set of "optimal" paths through life. That is not to say that one can't be happy straying from the beaten path; I'm saying that those who are unhappy with their careers or feel that their life lacks meaning are probably among those who did. I definitely did, and I'm kind of hoping that I don't end up as one of those unfortunate people I just described.
What I think of selfishness...
A while back I had a conversation about selfishness with a really sharp friend of mine, Inori. She's of the opinion that there are two different types of selfishness: malicious selfishness and necessary selfishness. I completely agree, and I'll try to lay out what we concluded. The malicious type is essentially selfishness for its own sake. You take from others and give nothing in return, even if you have the ability to help those in need. Malicious selfishness is truly awful, and I believe it's next to impossible for anyone with a conscience or a decent moral compass to be guilty of it. Necessary selfishness, on the other hand, is neither easy to define, nor morally reprehensible. An act of necessary selfishness might be done in the interest of self-preservation, or the preservation of those closest to a person. If there is a bus accident and your family is on the bus, you will help them before helping other passengers. Some might call this simple logic, but it is an act of bias, and a completely understandable and necessary one. If a man is starving and refuses to give some food he finds to another starving man who asks for it, that is necessary selfishness. He's doing what it takes to survive. I'm not saying Aladdin was wrong; giving his food to those kids was a really nice gesture, and admirable, but you won't last long actually living in the streets if you get into habits like that. Selflessness is for the privileged; it's for those who have so much that they can give part of what they have away and still live their lives happily. By the way, thanks to Ino for that interesting conversation. I'm sure I left a few of your key points out, and I apologize. Feel free to correct me.
Enough of that. What else do I want to talk about? I'm learning to play Terran in Starcraft II. So far all I know how to do is 3racks and do some rudimentary Hellion play. I'll eventually be learning builds from Brett (who's a Master League Terran as of this past friday), so I'm sure I'll hit diamond over the summer.
Still plugging away at guitar, I really want some lessons. Probably going to start those up over the summer as well.
Over spring break I'm going to be shopping for cars and places to live, so that'll be fun. Til then, pretty much just doing senior design, exploring some extracurricular stuff that I've been wanting to do, and "snapping nerd necks" on SC2 as my friend Bauer would say.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I wish
That I could just enjoy the small things in life without wondering why, and second guessing it.
That I didn't have to think ahead, and could live in the moment.
That I had the strength to show weakness.
That I could just feel down for a day and not beat myself down further for feeling that way.
That I didn't have to feel anything at all unless I wanted to.
That I didn't disappoint myself.
That I knew what the point of all this is.
But you know, at the end of the day, wishing gets one about as far as daydreaming. I'll wake up tomorrow and keep going, because that's what I was taught to do. I don't always have to like it, though.
That I didn't have to think ahead, and could live in the moment.
That I had the strength to show weakness.
That I could just feel down for a day and not beat myself down further for feeling that way.
That I didn't have to feel anything at all unless I wanted to.
That I didn't disappoint myself.
That I knew what the point of all this is.
But you know, at the end of the day, wishing gets one about as far as daydreaming. I'll wake up tomorrow and keep going, because that's what I was taught to do. I don't always have to like it, though.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Update
So, admittedly, that poem I posted before this was pretty emo, and not really characteristic of me. What can I say, it's been a rough few days. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in recent memory that I didn't act like myself. The reason I made it a public post is because I did manage to throw in a couple redeeming turns of phrase among all the over-dramatic crap.
Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.
Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.
To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.
As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.
What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.
This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.
-Ryan
Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.
Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.
To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.
As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.
What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.
This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.
-Ryan
Untitled freeverse
The cracked concrete drank the heat
from his back as he leaned and listened.
Staring blankly at the street,
all he heard was relentless whispers:
snowflakes rustled on the ground,
and the whole world glistened.
He saw no beauty in the night;
he closed his eyes, and shivered.
Curious how even crumbling cement
was so much stronger than he.
"What am I really?", he wondered.
He was reminded of a metaphor,
but 'dust in the wind' seemed generous;
those who are moved are the lucky ones among us.
The rest are more like sand.
They creep along the ground, and watch
as those they aspire to be fly by:
those few who are given wings
by the passing breeze of the infinite hand.
He was just a clumsy grain,
watching them all fly away
devoid of tears to cry,
and out of words to pray.
And so he simply stood and listened,
waiting for a better day.
from his back as he leaned and listened.
Staring blankly at the street,
all he heard was relentless whispers:
snowflakes rustled on the ground,
and the whole world glistened.
He saw no beauty in the night;
he closed his eyes, and shivered.
Curious how even crumbling cement
was so much stronger than he.
"What am I really?", he wondered.
He was reminded of a metaphor,
but 'dust in the wind' seemed generous;
those who are moved are the lucky ones among us.
The rest are more like sand.
They creep along the ground, and watch
as those they aspire to be fly by:
those few who are given wings
by the passing breeze of the infinite hand.
He was just a clumsy grain,
watching them all fly away
devoid of tears to cry,
and out of words to pray.
And so he simply stood and listened,
waiting for a better day.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Here I sit
...at 3:10AM on a Tuesday morning watching the creator of my favorite webcomic (Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques) draw tomorrow's strip on a livestream. I really wish I had found out about this stream before tonight; it's so awesome. That's not all I'm posting about, don't worry.
I'm back at school for my final semester, but part of me just wants it to be over with already. I got hired for a full-time position in OPPD's EMS department. I'll be living in Omaha after I'm done with college, and I think I'll be pretty content with my living situation. Getting a job was a major concern, and that was one of the first ones on my list; needless to say I am thrilled. My only real concerns in life right now are as follows:
1) We need to get Senior Design done before I can start "living the dream", and
2) I am worried about being further away from people I'd much rather be near once the semester ends.
I feel like I can probably handle both of those issues (and any others that might arise). A major part of my life has snapped into place, so I suppose the other pieces of the puzzle will inevitably fly around chaotically and try to find their spot in the new scheme, possibly hitting me in the process. I'll just have to be ready to duck.
RANDOM TANGENT: I'm really enjoying having my desktop computer working (finally). The issue of it ended up being a bad Windows install disk coupled with an incompatibility with an older version of Windows. No hardware issues at all, though sometimes it decides to shut itself down suddenly when I am downloading something. It doesn't happen often enough for me to actually want to reformat though, so I guess I'll deal with it for now.
I just jumped into a spirited discussion on the livestream chat about old TV shows from when I was 10, and as a result forgot what I was going to talk about next. I think I'll go put away laundry and go to sleep once Jeph posts this strip. I think he's about done. Goodnight and stuff.
I'm back at school for my final semester, but part of me just wants it to be over with already. I got hired for a full-time position in OPPD's EMS department. I'll be living in Omaha after I'm done with college, and I think I'll be pretty content with my living situation. Getting a job was a major concern, and that was one of the first ones on my list; needless to say I am thrilled. My only real concerns in life right now are as follows:
1) We need to get Senior Design done before I can start "living the dream", and
2) I am worried about being further away from people I'd much rather be near once the semester ends.
I feel like I can probably handle both of those issues (and any others that might arise). A major part of my life has snapped into place, so I suppose the other pieces of the puzzle will inevitably fly around chaotically and try to find their spot in the new scheme, possibly hitting me in the process. I'll just have to be ready to duck.
RANDOM TANGENT: I'm really enjoying having my desktop computer working (finally). The issue of it ended up being a bad Windows install disk coupled with an incompatibility with an older version of Windows. No hardware issues at all, though sometimes it decides to shut itself down suddenly when I am downloading something. It doesn't happen often enough for me to actually want to reformat though, so I guess I'll deal with it for now.
I just jumped into a spirited discussion on the livestream chat about old TV shows from when I was 10, and as a result forgot what I was going to talk about next. I think I'll go put away laundry and go to sleep once Jeph posts this strip. I think he's about done. Goodnight and stuff.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Mind's Eyes
Something stirs within...
After seemingly endless sleep,
the beast samples the wind.
Cautious at first, for patience is in its nature,
but hunger drives it to rise.
After seemingly endless sleep,
the beast samples the wind.
Cautious at first, for patience is in its nature,
but hunger drives it to rise.
Its name strikes fear, though it knows none.
Its tongue caresses razor teeth,
its steely fur shuns claw and cold.
An unbreakable will burns beneath.
It hastens from its secret den,
and runs among the windswept pines.
Now it hunts, my beast within;
now the eyes of the wolf are mine.
Its tongue caresses razor teeth,
its steely fur shuns claw and cold.
An unbreakable will burns beneath.
It hastens from its secret den,
and runs among the windswept pines.
Now it hunts, my beast within;
now the eyes of the wolf are mine.
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