Progress

I've been feeling pretty bad about myself for a month or two, with no good reason. That changed a little last night when I was called to do an impromptu speech for a large group of Toastmasters leaders and organizers. For a few minutes, I had control of that room full of very talented speakers, and I held their attention and made them laugh. I came out of that room feeling powerful, something I haven't felt in a while. People cared about what I had to say, and enjoyed my ideas.

I know why I've been as low as I have: it's partially because I feel I don't get enough positive attention from someone I care a lot about, and that makes me feel like a failure. It's also because I have anxiety, and that feeds into my need for validation from others, particularly the aforementioned individual. It's not her fault that I feel this way; I feel it because I get my self-esteem from interaction with others, and I've probably expected too much from her.

Last night made me feel hopeful again. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel all the things that I am and should be: competent, funny, intelligent, empathetic, and above all, confident. I need to hold onto that feeling of self-assurance so that I can more effectively spread positivity to others rather than negativity. I'm going to seek out more projects and experiences that bolster my view of myself, because only then can I share happiness with others.