Origin

In his mind, he builds a straw man,

to shout his angst, and knock it down.

To take the edge off loneliness again,

because the cause and solution is not around.

There was a time when their hands entwined,

and they whispered their souls into the dark,

air kissed with perfume, breath full of red wine,

discovery, excitement everywhere they embarked.

One fateful day, his adoring eyes fell

on a lapse somewhere deep in her pensive gaze.

A forced smile, or a silence long held

weaved doubt into his carefree days.

Doubt grew to be worry, and soured to regret,

not for her disdain, but for his own love.

There was no way to fight it; you get what you get,

and he gave so much more for a glance from above.

Thus the phrase came about, awful, yet true:

"The person who cares most will always lose."

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I wrote this while I was feeling down, and I don't necessarily believe every word as I sit here now.  I do think that there's an inherent risk to loving someone; there's always the possibility that it won't be reciprocated, and that is one of the most painful parts of the human experience.  I'm fine right now, though, so don't mistake this little bit of doom and gloom for anything more than the product of a shitty night.

-RAD

What I Feel

Not depressed. That's a decent start, considering the past few months. Not good either right now, because I've started worrying about something I can't change. I've been taught several tricks to stop myself, and they work well in slaying my mental dragons. This concern is a strong one, because it deals with my relationship with Erin.

Some of you know about Erin, others don't. What you need to know is that she's an amazing person, and I care very deeply for her. I fear losing her, I fear that I don't really have her to begin with. I fear, which is not common for me. I often feel worried, I often feel anxious, but I don't often feel afraid.

The cure for this is to redirect my thoughts elsewhere. That's a challenge, because I like thinking about her, but I've recognized with the help of some therapy that there's a line these thoughts can cross from helpful to harmful. I've crossed that line, and so I redirect. The method by which I do so doesn't matter; there are many ways.

A harmful thought pattern can be derailed and replaced forcibly by one's internal monologue. I find a better method is to do an activity which requires thought and planning. Creating something, solving a puzzle, rather than allowing my mind to run circles in an unwinnable maze. A redirect can be something as simple as a blog post.

Now that I'm feeling better, I think I'll go play games for a while. Thanks for your help.

-RAD

Progress

I've been feeling pretty bad about myself for a month or two, with no good reason. That changed a little last night when I was called to do an impromptu speech for a large group of Toastmasters leaders and organizers. For a few minutes, I had control of that room full of very talented speakers, and I held their attention and made them laugh. I came out of that room feeling powerful, something I haven't felt in a while. People cared about what I had to say, and enjoyed my ideas.

I know why I've been as low as I have: it's partially because I feel I don't get enough positive attention from someone I care a lot about, and that makes me feel like a failure. It's also because I have anxiety, and that feeds into my need for validation from others, particularly the aforementioned individual. It's not her fault that I feel this way; I feel it because I get my self-esteem from interaction with others, and I've probably expected too much from her.

Last night made me feel hopeful again. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel all the things that I am and should be: competent, funny, intelligent, empathetic, and above all, confident. I need to hold onto that feeling of self-assurance so that I can more effectively spread positivity to others rather than negativity. I'm going to seek out more projects and experiences that bolster my view of myself, because only then can I share happiness with others.