Update

So, admittedly, that poem I posted before this was pretty emo, and not really characteristic of me. What can I say, it's been a rough few days. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in recent memory that I didn't act like myself. The reason I made it a public post is because I did manage to throw in a couple redeeming turns of phrase among all the over-dramatic crap.

Writing stuff like that really helps me feel better about everything. It's not that my life is particularly horrible, quite the contrary; I'm a happy, healthy, 22 year old guy who is about to graduate college with a really useful degree. Even when life is overall so far above average, though, sometimes things don't work out the way you wish they could.

Over the past few days, I have had many things on my mind, few of which were very fun to dwell on. Right now, the things I'm mulling over the most are a few "what ifs", and an apparent lack of fairness in the universe.

To elaborate, the "what ifs" involve a relationship that just ended, which was definitely the best one I've ever had. Unfortunately, the circumstances just weren't right, and we got too close too fast emotionally. My logical side tells me that it may not have worked out long-term anyway (mostly due to potential proximity issues), but the part of me that's an emotional reasoner is singing a different tune still. Eventually they'll either agree, or they'll agree to disagree. I don't even care which it is, just as long as that day comes. I just feel fortunate that we had some good times together, and that we can each still call the other a friend.

As for the fairness issue I mentioned, my Aunt Mary Sue has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which appears to have metastasized to an abdominal lymph node. Mary Sue is one of the most harmless, caring, religiously devout, stereotypically "good" people I've ever met. She's already survived a couple bouts with breast cancer, but this is more serious. I know that there are plenty of good people who suffer every single day the world over, and Mary Sue is no different. When it's this close to home, though, it makes me take a closer look at how cold the universe can be at times. I have no doubt that there is a God, but at times like this it's hard to believe that he's touching the world at all. And if he is, how can he be benevolent while still letting so many people suffer? I suppose in this case, I should just follow Mary Sue's lead, and trust that there is some rhyme and reason to all of it.

What else? Senior design is going to be ugly. We have no way of writing a linux driver for our video capture devices, meaning that either we use windows or we use a different device. This is probably going to be problematic. Our team is a really strong group of engineers, though, so I think that we'll figure it out if we put enough work in.

This may seem like a fairly bleak post, but I'm feeling pretty great compared to how I was a few hours ago. Tomorrow's a new day, and the day after that will be as well. All I have to do is take them and make them the best they can be. I can do that.

-Ryan

Untitled freeverse

The cracked concrete drank the heat
from his back as he leaned and listened.
Staring blankly at the street,
all he heard was relentless whispers:
snowflakes rustled on the ground,
and the whole world glistened.
He saw no beauty in the night;
he closed his eyes, and shivered.
Curious how even crumbling cement
was so much stronger than he.
"What am I really?", he wondered.
He was reminded of a metaphor,
but 'dust in the wind' seemed generous;
those who are moved are the lucky ones among us.
The rest are more like sand.
They creep along the ground, and watch
as those they aspire to be fly by:
those few who are given wings
by the passing breeze of the infinite hand.
He was just a clumsy grain,
watching them all fly away
devoid of tears to cry,
and out of words to pray.
And so he simply stood and listened,
waiting for a better day.

Here I sit

...at 3:10AM on a Tuesday morning watching the creator of my favorite webcomic (Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques) draw tomorrow's strip on a livestream. I really wish I had found out about this stream before tonight; it's so awesome. That's not all I'm posting about, don't worry.

I'm back at school for my final semester, but part of me just wants it to be over with already. I got hired for a full-time position in OPPD's EMS department. I'll be living in Omaha after I'm done with college, and I think I'll be pretty content with my living situation. Getting a job was a major concern, and that was one of the first ones on my list; needless to say I am thrilled. My only real concerns in life right now are as follows:

1) We need to get Senior Design done before I can start "living the dream", and
2) I am worried about being further away from people I'd much rather be near once the semester ends.

I feel like I can probably handle both of those issues (and any others that might arise). A major part of my life has snapped into place, so I suppose the other pieces of the puzzle will inevitably fly around chaotically and try to find their spot in the new scheme, possibly hitting me in the process. I'll just have to be ready to duck.

RANDOM TANGENT: I'm really enjoying having my desktop computer working (finally). The issue of it ended up being a bad Windows install disk coupled with an incompatibility with an older version of Windows. No hardware issues at all, though sometimes it decides to shut itself down suddenly when I am downloading something. It doesn't happen often enough for me to actually want to reformat though, so I guess I'll deal with it for now.

I just jumped into a spirited discussion on the livestream chat about old TV shows from when I was 10, and as a result forgot what I was going to talk about next. I think I'll go put away laundry and go to sleep once Jeph posts this strip. I think he's about done. Goodnight and stuff.

Mind's Eyes

Something stirs within...
After seemingly endless sleep,
the beast samples the wind.
Cautious at first, for patience is in its nature,
but hunger drives it to rise.

Its name strikes fear, though it knows none.
Its tongue caresses razor teeth,
its steely fur shuns claw and cold.
An unbreakable will burns beneath.
It hastens from its secret den,
and runs among the windswept pines.
Now it hunts, my beast within;
now the eyes of the wolf are mine.

November is a great month.

The past week has been too good to ignore, so I'm just going to go ahead and write a post about it.

The week mostly consisted of workouts, homework and studying for an Algorithms test on Friday. I increased my max bench by about 10 pounds (not very important, but still cool), I got all my work done, and I managed to do better on the test than I ever thought possible. I am by no means great at Alg. Analysis, and I usually go into tests and homeworks with fairly low expectations. It was a nice surprise when I found that I actually knew how to do everything on the test. Whether or not I did it all correctly remains to be seen, but I am somewhat optimistic.

The best and most important thing that happened in the past week is that I started a relationship with my friend Ashley whom I've liked since I met her at the end of September. She's a pretty fantastic person; smart, beautiful, fun, interesting, and nice (among other positive adjectives which I won't list for brevity's sake). I am really excited to have the opportunity to get to know her better.

Academically this has been a much rougher and more trying semester than I expected it to. Even so, it's been a really long time since I could honestly say that I am generally happy with how things are going in my life, and I think that I can say it today. It's a great feeling.

The leaves are fallin'

I am a huge fan of fall. Winter is actually my favorite season, because I love snow, but fall definitely comes close to matching it. I like cool weather, and the leaves changing color is pretty great, too.

I'm sitting at the Solution Center "working", which after 8 on a Sunday night means that I'm bored out of my mind and surfing the internet. It beats actually having hard work to do I suppose. As soon as I get home I'm going to ANNIHILATE my bioinformatics, HDFS and 311 homeworks and play some StarCraft II. I've decided that I'm actually going to practice a bit in SC2 and get good enough to go up a couple divisions. I don't care much about rank, but Bronze is getting a little old. I think Gold or Platinum would look much better in my profile.

I had a pretty good weekend. Last night I went out to the hookah bar and then went to Corner Pocket and shot some pool. I hung out with some good friends that I don't get to see very often, and reconnected with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a couple years. That was a lot of fun.

I was surprised to find that I didn't get a midterm warning about my Com S 311 grade, and I'm thinking that even though I have the option to drop the class, I am probably going to stick with it and see how I do. If I don't retake 311 next semester, I will only have 6 actual credits, which means that I get to spend a ton of time doing things I enjoy; really looking forward to more time to write, bike, play guitar, etc. Homework has quite literally eaten my life for the past couple weeks, and I was getting pretty stressed until I caught up on Thursday.

That's about it for now. Life is good! Next time, hopefully I'll actually publish a poem. I wrote one today, but I don't like how it reads, and it might be a little bit too edgy. I'll keep that one saved and possibly post it later.

Happiness...

...is different for everyone. My definition of it changes almost daily. Today it was an empty classroom, sunlight pouring in through a dusty window, earbuds in my ears and not a single constructive thought in my head. Peace of mind is priceless.