Resolution

In previous years, I've shied away from making new year's resolutions. I feel that they limit a person by making their goals too narrow. You can't cram a year's worth of growth and joy and pain into a paragraph. Suffice it to say, my resolution will not be my only aspiration for 2015, but it is an important one. 

I'm going to cook more, sleep more, be healthier, all those cliché things that everyone wants to do. I fully intend to accomplish better physical wellness in 2015. The real focus of my resolution, however, is mental health. I know I've got some problems. They're not anything that makes me a danger to myself or anyone else, or I'd have handled them long ago. They do make it very difficult to be happy being me at times, though, and that's an issue. I should be happy. I'm a decent person who knows how to do a lot of things, and does them well. I help others whenever I'm able.  I should feel good about being me. 

That's my goal: I want to learn to be happy in a room by myself. I want to look in the mirror and see my strengths, not my shortcomings. I want to overwhelm anxiety and sadness with self-worth and joy. The first step on that road is to talk to a therapist. I've avoided it like the plague until now, but it needs to happen. To hell with the consequences. By the end of 2015, I will be a much happier person, no matter what it takes. 

This is not to say that I'm never content. I'm happy any time I've got something or someone occupying my mind externally. It's not possible to distract yourself all the time, though; sooner or later, you will listen and hear only your own thoughts. I'm going to learn to accept that.  

Question

I dug this up and edited it because I was bored. I don't remember exactly when I wrote it. Sometime over the summer. It turned out pretty decent! 

Out of sight and out of mind,

I sit and half-escape into

some gripping tale, or pictures kind

which hide your face from view.

I find some solace in my flight

away from time and memory,

and thoughts of you, for any might

awaken loneliness in me.

All stories end, and fantasies

are crushed beneath the weight of all.

My thoughts turn back to you and me,

and I am forced to face my fall.

I said I'm yours, and you agreed.

I fear that I have been remiss;

you never have belonged to me,

nor been as thirsty for my kiss.

Now I sit and wonder when

I'll have the courage to defect,

knowing I cannot defend

against your impish smile's effect.

Knowing that I'll love you still,

realizing that I'll hurt within,

I see now that this fate is ill,

and either way, I cannot win.

Are solitude and one more scar

less painful than to hear the lie

that you are mine, then seek your star,

and find only an empty sky?

When you tell someone what a relationship should feel like, or what it should be, what do you say? How do you clearly define or describe something that's different for everyone? I took a stab at it a while back, by saying "a relationship is two people who want to be close to one another mentally, emotionally, and physically, making that desire a reality as often as they both want to".

You call when you want to hear their voice. You make plans to meet when you want to see them. Sometimes you lay in bed, side by side, and fend off the cold and dark together, as people have done for centuries.

I sat at home Friday night for a good reason. I stayed up til 3 AM next to my phone for a good reason. It didn't ring until the next day for a good reason. I walked away from dinner that night feeling confused for what I hope is also a good reason. I sat at home again and again the next two nights for some reason. Today, thinking about it stings. It remains to be seen whether that's for a good reason or no reason at all. I hope for the latter.

Guess we'll see.